There was a young man from Brunei
Whose friends would look at him awry
It’s not an affection
I must do my injection
It’s insulin and if I don’t I will die
There was a young man with diabetes
Who despite his many entreaties
Asked for a pump
Was told to take a running jump
He then took it up with his health board and local MP to little avail.
In order to stay diabeteless,
You should keep your urine melitless.
Shoot up day and night,
Give your test strips a sight
Or your frame will too soon become meatless.
In Tim’s fridge, a bottle of onions
Sets Annette a-drool into dustbins.
Don’t let her shoot up
With her spirited pump:
Those sour bulbs cause gastric oblivions!
There once was a lad from Dundee
Who used MDI therapy
For a pump he did ask
Put his nurse to the task
But she just said ‘We’ll just wait and see…’
‘We’ll put your name down on the list.’
At this our young lad did get pissed.
So he wrote loads of letters
To his elders and betters
But he might just as well have knit mist.
So he waited, ’till cometh the day
When the call came ‘We’re happy to say’
Come November you’ll get
What you haven’t had yet
You pump finally is on its way!’
Said a young lass from Indian Queens
Diagnosed in her quite early teens
‘On the bright side at least
I can legally feast
During schooltime on green jelly beans!’
Once a jab, then a pen, now a pump
Once a pee test, now bloods – what a jump!
But advances aside
Highs and lows, far and wide
Bring us all down to earth with a bump!
A lady shot up in her bosom,
As her lap was beset by a possum:
“It is always the best
To pin corsage to chest,
Or how else could you see that I blossom?”
The black Accu-Chek Compact Plus
Is almost as big as a bus,
But it still sucks your blood,
N’ gives the figures it should
So I don’t see why @Tim makes a fuss.
If a needle snaps off in your skin,
Just take a huge swig of gin.
No need for a squeeze
Or a pinch and a tweeze…
There’ll be space in that overfull bin.
When your pancreas packs up it’s true
Diabetes comes out of the blue.
So it’s not such a sin
Putting insulin in,
For a pump though, you just have to queue.
I thought that the last Shoot Up poll
Was quaint and a little bit droll
But the answer to choose
Was to top all T2s
Now I daren’t even go for a stroll.
@teloz: Can’t say I pissed myself, ’cause I have aged parent’s TENAs at my disposal, but I’m still laughing (while also vomiting – I’m on hypo-heave sick leave, but go, go Collinguam!)
The USB Contour of Baery:
A processes-itself little dairy –
With its rennety ilk
All your blood glucose milk
Is transformed into cheese (and some sherry).
Thanks everyone, but when you’re on a roll you just have to go with it! You may have noticed that I love limericks, but it’s hard to keep up with you @ckoei, you crack me up!
All diabetic fairies and gnomes
Have lots of posh kit in their homes,
With meters and pumps
And garish sharps dumps,
Plus instructions that come in big tomes.
When you’re low, with your head in the loo;
Heaving up pint glasses of bitterish goo,
You’re still writing prosy
Second-rate bits of poesy
All because of that lurking and leering Type Two…
While poor @ckoei is barfing her beer
I find it incredibly queer
That she still has the means
To write limericks in reams
‘Cos she thinks that I’m having a leer.
Us gnomes are much nicer than that
Her back needs a rub and a pat.
I’d help out if I could,
As anyone would,
But sadly I’m not where she’s at.
If diabetes brings blackest despair,
Limerickan salvation is here:
After green jelly Queens
And Indian beans,
A barfing bonanza will bring up some cheer
Limericks might have some other medical significance: while lowing about quite a lot these last few days, I’ve noticed that when I’m going down, it becomes increasingly difficult to read the limericks rhythmically “right” (especially the lady with the bosom…) So if you don’t have CGM, keep these babies close at hand. And for hypers, you’ll have to start writing haikus )
As the world becomes misty and my magnifier seems cracked,
Say salvete to “oxidation” and “binocular cataract”:
They’ll suck it all out
With a vacuuming snout,
Then shove in some plastic…argh, my chin hairs are stacked!!!
Should they tickle my toes with a feather,
I’ll “moo!” and pull at my tether…
But the tuning fork’s ping
Makes nothing go zing –
So below I have ticklish & tone-deaf leather.
@ckoei – I don’t know what happened, I did delete one of my less salubrious efforts, but I didn’t mean to castrate the dog. He’s now fully recovered!
An insulin pump is the best,
The bugger is never at rest.
With pretties and spanglies
It’s just the dog’s danglies
But of course, you still have to test.
@teloz: Oops, my bud-nipping terminology is a bit muddled…but with dog dangling along so merrily again, I hope that the bitch (called hyperglycaemia) is castrated!
A sexy young diabetic nurse
Said, “I know that testing’s a curse,”
But if you don’t test,
Your heart will arrest
And your last ride will be in a hearse!
Count Dracula* counts carbs
When sinking his barbs
Into that sweet, sickly treat
Which is diabetic meat…
Until a week passes, and he’s discarded as sharps.
Talking of pricks,
I use* Multiclix:
Just a roll of its barrel
And the old ones skedaddle;
With settings for deep or the slightest of snicks.
*Where “use” doesn’t imply self-gratification, though all of Accu-Chek’s repertoire resemble hobbit-dildos. My current favourite (as far as suggestive shape goes), is Bayer’s Ascencia Microlet – it looks like something you could shave your legs with, one hair at a time
You ladies just don’t know the half
Erectile dysfunction’s no laugh
In moments of passion
Dipping into one’s ration
Of pills that help stiffen the staff
@Tim – Well… sadly, it is diabetes related, diabetic neuropathy can be very cruel, and if my lewd little limericks can forewarn the younger men of the perils of poor control it would make me very happy. Let’s be honest, they’re only a tingey-whingey bit ribald.
Now… can I find two words to rhyme with neuropathy…
Bureaucracy? (As uttered by a Discworldian Igor…and have your brolly at the ready )
When foot nerves to death go a-scurry
It feels like your foot’s full of curry.
But imipramine
Will soothingly clean
All feeling of fire in a hurry*.
*Make that about 3 weeks. A few months later, the affected neurons will be as dead as doornails and as @teloz says, “neuropathy don’t really hurt”…but it does kill the albatross!
Sorry Terry – I should have realised your limerick was a cautionary, salutary and somewhat chilling tale. You’re like the Ancient Mariner of the diabetes world!
A diabetic henswain called @charlie*
Was sipping on Coke and malted barley
When the size of her dram
Made the boat capsize: “Damn!
I should have one for weather and for lee.”
*Shoot Up’s Middle(1/2 an Ancient @teloz) Aged Mariner, showing us the importance of being well balanced
“Since then, at an uncertain hour,
That agony returns;
And till my ghastly tale is told,
This heart within me burns.
I pass, like night, from land to land;
I have strange power of speech;
That moment that his face I see,
I know the man that must hear me:
To him my tale I teach.” (The Rime of the Ancient Mariner; Samuel Taylor Coleridge)
Damn that albatross; I can stand the smell, but the maggots drive me crazy!
My Autoimmune-Team’s Mr. Ts
Became mean to my pancreatic Bs:
They were smashed & bashed
And phagocytically stashed;
For their graves, I got pots of sweet Ps.
Toes that are lost to gangrene
Are the nastiest thing that I’ve seen,
But reduction in heat
Kills the fungus on feet,
So not all news is bad it would seem.
If a bride/groom’s feet has to be cold
To keep all those microbes on hold,
Diabetics can’t marry,
In limbo they’ll tarry,
Or give up a limb if they fold?
(or they can wash their feet in a lukewarm & weak saline solution to bugger up infective single cells’ osmotic balance…and live happily&cosy-toed ever after )
“As big as an egg” is the carby portion
Long held as standard when stuffing starch in:
But would this ovum be able to fit
In the egg-pipe of ostrich or that of a tit…
Or is it pushed out by some chicken contortion?
The stuff that we now use to bolus
Is rather inclined to go solus.
Where the oldies ring-a-rosied,
The new ‘uns won’t be posied:
They tiff and rush off to where a hole* is.
Lingering Lantus piles into a scrum
That loosens up daylong, to ruck, then to crumb;
While the Levemir-bantling is best tucked away
In the bosom of Al* for its 12-hourly stay…
Though both “rugby” & “baby” are a pain** in the bum.
*Albumin
**Especially if injected straight from fridge
At dawn, glycaemic doors are thrown ajar –
Out gallops enough glucose to make a Mars Bar.
To herd it all in
To pastures of green,
You’ll need an insulin whip (and sugar lumps, if you go too far).
While watching the telly, and there’s two Doctors Whos –
After not necessarily drinking litres of booze,
One might rightly presume
Without pricking a thumb,
That one’s sweetness is TARDISing towards temperate twos…
If you yearn for an insulin Sten
That resembles a transvestite peahen,
Just nab a few feathers
And glue them to leathers
With which to dress up your old Autopen.
When you pump, you’re bound to get you tubed
While asleep and your neck becomes belooped:
To get out of that spot
Of Gordian knot,
Use a sword, but beware of having head cubed!
Shoot Up’s sottish, head snorting swign
Plans to use us to buy Scottish whine!
Please cook up his trotters
With fried green tomotters,
‘Cause choccies&cheese are much more divyne…
There was a young lady, Cecile,
Who carb counted before every meal
Despite insulin flowing
She knew where her blood sugars were going
Thanks to Tim, and his ContourUSB deal!!
Shoot Up’s a wonderful blog
It tries to cut through the fog;
It has members who’re numerous,
Articles that are humorous,
And a mod who’s a diabetic dog.
A self-suckling*, parched diabetic
Can be salted and dished up as fesikh:
When ground to a paste,
What glorious taste
Is that sweet-saline, sure-fire emetic**!
*All those fingertipsy bloodhounds among us
**Guaranteed to get rid of sugar (and everything else)
The pancreatic god SusAnthony*
Got split into 2 below the knee:
While Su sugars on,
Ant’s footing has gone,
So it’s better to worship our BrownFinney.
*For the sake of Calvinistic monotheism & limerickan rhythm, Susan (Sugar upping sauce after nilpermouth/glucagon) and Anthony (Anti-honey/insulin) had to be fused… and stuff somatostatin!
Wow, I am in awe of so many literary masterpieces. It seems that all the energy saved by not producing any insulin has been diverted to the creative genius part of your brains. I never dreamt you could shoehorn diabetes into quite so many limericks!
@alison: You still owe us at least 27 – all Shoot Up members are obliged to write as many limericks/haiku(s) as years since they’ve been diagnosed (and those who’ve had it for less than 20 yrs are bound by their genetic propensity to go back to their conception…so one poem will only have to be 9/12 or 3/4 of a full one )
@ckoei So not only do I have to have an annual eye/foot/kidney/blood pressure/everything else check, I now need to add limerick composition to the list? These diabetes complications are getting out of control!
@alison: If you want to complain, do it in rhyme (AABBA). And to placate Shoot Up’s bisexual pancreatic god(s) Susan & Anthony/BrownFinney, your (and everyone else’s) tally has just gone up to 32 (after adding Tim’s few drops)…she she she, thank goodness I’ve got limerickpathy
I thought having diabetes wasn’t too bad
Until @ckoei made me so sad
If bad eyes and kidneys weren’t complications enough
I now find there’s even more stuff
Like writing enough damn limericks to drive you mad
Hurrah! She’s off! (you’ll have to bash your own bow with a champagne bottle)…31 to go – and no one’s yet mentioned Fruit Pastilles (or the dangers of Chinese dumplings)
Some say that Rowntrees Fruit Pastilles
Are the cure to all of life’s ills
When your brain’s full of typos
And you know that you’re hypo
It’s time to reach for those sugar-rush pills
Okay, it’s not a limerick, but…
ODE TO A NEWLY DIAGNOSED DIABETIC
When your numbers keep on climbing
And your thirst wont go away
If your vision goes all blurry
Then you’re hyper on that day.
If you feel a little shaky
Once your levels start to drop
If your brain won’t think in straight lines
Glucose will, the hypo, stop.
Once your HBAs are stable
At a number close to 6
When your post meals levels hover
Close to 8, you’ve found the fix!
When your food intake and dosage
Of the insulin you need
Have been tested, checked and sorted
You’re in charge – you take the lead!
Soon you’ll know as much as they do
If you do your research well
Your control will be in your hands
– go and give those ‘experts’ hell!
For when you’re hypo, and prone to cussing
Add some FPs to your washing.
Then drink that effluent, slimy jelly
(Thanks to soap, it isn’t smelly):
It’ll smack your gob and stop ears blushing…
As genetic hairdos get shaped in the womb,
Some HLA-genes are missed by the comb.
Sooner or later,
You’re a self-protein hater,
And the gel ignites (of the Type 1 bomb).
The day Immune System starts driving a car,
Some glandular bits* will get smacked to the tar.
You’d think the DVLA
Would have something to say,
Yet the IS is immune – it’s really bizarre!
*in the case of organ-specific autoimmunity (like T1 diabetes)
In the Martian city of L’Aventis,
You can perambulate with holey panties
And Lantus your bum…
But Apidra your tum
For those Mars bars’ feasts of plenties.
A sili nun named Su-Lin In
Committed such a luni sin:
She flirted with some antibodies,
Let them in where only God is.
This sin has done you in*, Su-Lin…
*Have mercy! Poor thing was set on the road of debauchery after her beta-cell convent was invaded & destroyed by a mob of autoreactive T-cells
Being stabbed by a needling Bernina,
For your garb is just a beginner:
If you inject through your clothes,
You add to their woes –
To textiles you cannot be meaner.
You’re likely to go hypo at Morecambe:
Potted shrimps haven’t got much carbs on ’em.
For a taste of what’s rich,
Plunge into Blackpoolish pitch –
A dip in that treacle will score some.
To cauterize leaky, retinal veins,
Use a swamp dragon’s not-too-hot flames:
To temper its heat,
Feed it chilli that’s sweet,
Or your ears might start puffing like steam-engined trains…
Most pumpers’ desideratum’s a clip
That in a blink onto bloomers can slip.
A belted bikini?
If your name’s Mussolini…
And while marching, you need extra grip.
An injection-objector, Blob Chick,
Said: “Your penning has made me feel sick!”
Though her public tooth-picking-
And-lip-balm-on-sticking
Have conjured up loads of reciprocal ick…
When courting a testy D-lass,
Make sure your sweet-talk’s not too crass:
With umpteenth innuendo
About needles doing what men do,
You’ll have plentiful pricks come to pass.
After weeks of being tectonic drift’s guest,
Female BGs start climbing a hormonal crest:
As plates collide,
Peaks & troughs coincide;
Pancake planes get crumpled up and there’s nEverest.
Glycaemic’ly speaking, some feasts can be taXing:
With so much to eat that is sweet & climaXing.
Pigging out in this way,
You might lose limbs in the fray,
And end up as boar’s head…with an apple…relaXing.
It looks like a neat & stable 5 high…just wish I could get some writer’s mortar, too –
they’re so easily flattened to the floor or piled into towering heaps without it.
@teloz: I know Wally has a certain manly ring to it, but my full female glory – Wallette – makes me sound like a spendthrift bulwark of capitalism, so I fare forth with the former (just take note that I’m topped with some lovely Cochrane curls, and downwards I’m fully (f)rocked )
The reason CGM glucose sensors
Can’t be dished out by medicine dispensers,
Is that the BBC’s* got
The whole blooming lot:
Some six hundred’s employed as censors!!!!!!!
*Poor things are tortured into dropping their esses by means of endless repetition of the spell “be…be…cee!”
@brickwall – sorry about the gender confusion, but you have to admit your avatar isn’t very helpful, that’ll teach me to do more research! Anyway, my derogatory ditty has been duly corrected.
My long suffering diabetes nurse
Said, “Your vascular system’s perverse!
When I try to get blood
It’s like syphoning mud,
It’s enough to make a bloody nurse curse!”
If you’re @teloz, and weigh nearly a ton,
It’s such burden to go for a run.
Let Nurse chop you in two
And give each half a shoe:
They’ll lightfootedly hop down to 4.31…5*
A diabetic cockroach, Grigori’s
Staple foods were sweets & liquorice.
He’s now got six feet under
And ommatidia all asunder –
Thank goodness he can’t move to where that sticker is.
While shovelling snow up north,
Set your basals to halfpennyworth…
Or you might end up low,
Then scooped up by a plough
And tossed in the Firth of Forth.
When bugged by a plethora of plugs
Used to bung up infusion set mugs,
With a dollop of glue
They’ll be baubles anew:
Some seasonal finery for your fir (of Doug’s).
Diabetics with high blood sugars
Are quite tasty for sweet toothed cougars.
Just remind them to brush:
Such sweetmeaty mush
Is catastrophic for feline chewers.
Should you land in a mosh pit sans* clothes
And your pump is endowed with a hose,
Get rid of the arms
Of headbanging barms –
A chain saw will timely of all tube hooks dispose.
*But equipped with belt & @annette‘s hardy camera case, ’cause you’re going to need both hands to handle the saw
Those ladies hooked up to a pump
Sometimes get a bit of a hump;
Their hoses in tangles
With bracelets and bangles
They come back to earth with a thump.
Are you sick & tired of test prickles?
Nip tiny bits off Terry’s testicles;
Shoot them up in your back
And prevent immune flak:
Send your T-cells on their sabbaticals.
In the ruthless world of limericks
There’s no sweetness or big, cheesy winks
For the sake of a rhyme,
There’ll be many a crime:
Like “camembert” & “preserved figs”*.
*another one of those dishes of death that is dastardly difficult to bolus for…
Poor @teloz is really being stressed
In the search for some savings and through quest
For born again B*-cells:
First gallows, now belles
Out to grab albatross eggs from his nest.
So my brain’s inhabited by a brood of intellig-hens
That make @teloz quail when they cackle their loony sense?
They can’t prevent hypos
Or cataracts & fry toes,
But they can pop out rotten eggs* by the hendecadozens…
Good gracious! So @tim is a hippie?
Continuously out on a drippy trip, he?
No more pens that are swords
To strike my empathy chords
And no more reason to be dippy?
It’s taken me years for the penny to drop
On how to hitch pump to your midriffic cob:
With a CLICK, THUNK and cry, Oh!
Of Oh-my, Oh-mio!
It seems like quite a handful…or would that be a bob?
When inserting sensing bits in your blubber,
You’ll be in need of a lard-cleaving grubber:
If you have no harpoon,
You can sharpen a spoon –
With which you also can shovel in your supper.
My BGs are such unruly kids:
Supposed to stay safe & sound in the mids,
But they’re drawn like dog hairs
To carpeted stairs –
Up and down all day long…foolish gits!
My BGs drive me up the wall
When they upwardly climb & downwardly fall.
For their ups, there is insulin;
For their downs, I put sweeties in…
So Humpty’s got a mattress* and a mound, few bricks tall.
Diabetes is an interminable test
With overs never over and no rest.
Armed with insulin bat
And glucose bowled fast* at that,
You can but hope that the pitch is the best**.
Comparing diabetes to cricket
Is clever you know, just the ticket!
The analogy’s sound
For the merry-go-round
With the needle and just where to stick it.
The buttock, the belly, the thigh,
The choice makes me waver and sigh
I know that the needle
Is not really evil
But when it hurts me I just wonder why.
Diabetic gnomes have such sensitive feelers:
Even mossies can make them turn squealers.
If what you hear sounds appalling
(Like soprano bagpipes caterwauling),
They’d much rather shoot up than go mealless.
You can also use glucose as willowy swat
To dab at balls bowled by the insulin squad:
With basals as spinners
And fast bolus* winners,
Your wickets will go low, shot or no shot.
To save costs in our great NHS
We must give the T2s something less.
Putting them on strict diets
Won’t cause any riots,
But it won’t help to sort out the mess.
In order to kick an infusion set goal,
Get Gerrard to make you a hole.
Just hope that your lard
Is not van der Sarred
And that your cannula darts in like Joe Cole.
For a game of diabetic darts,
Paint your stomach without triple parts:
Protect your bull’s eye with glasses
To prevent umbilic trespasses;
Put a score of 10* or less on the cards.
Five needles a day is the norm
Six or seven if my blood’s out of form
Add the holes from the lancets
That make me do dance steps
Diabetes just goes down a storm!
Those nasty NHS top brass
Have been wasting dough on orange squash & cars.
Now they’re withholding Lantus
To make their patients sweet as Fantas,
Then sold & served in vampiric bars.
If nakedness floats your boat
Running around sans your coat
Just watch your blood glucose
And membranes that are mucose
Or your DSN bites out your throat!
In the case of diabetes,
Both cursed & blessed are sweeties:
When high, you must stop;
When low, stuff your gob
Or you’ll end up not too sure of where your feet is.
Neuropathy now gets accused
‘Cause @teloz‘s bum is abused.
Rather glare at your Croc:
It turns floor into bog –
You wouldn’t get glued if you were differently shoesed.
With sweet blood & high blood pressure,
Take a hot bath for your pleasure:
You’ll be cooking some jam
Without* “wham!” or a “bam!” –
And be prized as well-preserved treasure.
*thanks to holes made by injections/infusions/lancets
Limericks aren’t supposed to be flaunt lit:
A throwing down of the verbal gauntlet…
These long-distance strolls
Through diabetic dust bowls
Were meant to be jolly & frolicking jaunt* lit(?)
*Of course, you’re going to have to get rid of those cumbersome, concrete clonkers and clap on Crocs (after slipping out of scratchy, sad sackcloth**)
**This is a not very subtle challenge to see who can compose the most alliterative limerick…and I urge other members to join the fray – we’ll need a sizable army to conquer @teloz on that front
My BGs are blooming bumbling bees,
Can’t crank out honey, ’cause they’ve lost the keys:
Niggling insulin’s nigh
So glucagon has gone shy;
Fall down the flue to bounce* back to your knees.
Alliterative limericks lack lustre
Bedecked with bravado and bluster.
Rough, rollicking rhymes
On euphemistic enzymes,
Many more than a mad man might muster.
After autoimmune assasination
Of bulging betas (by bashing them thin),
Your T-cells can’t cope
With the D they’ve dished up:
Every tea time, enneedle & eat the min*.
Fruit Pastilles fit in a feline Fleur bag
& Give good grounds to gallivant through the Gulag.
Halt happy hard labour!
Insulin is in favour:
Jam down those jujubes to jellify your JET LAG*.
*Jackhammering Exertions To blame (for) Low Arterial Glucose
A limerick’s rhythm is fixed
By traditions that can’t be unmixed
Though tweaks are allowed
You can’t fool the crowd
So the ones that don’t work are just nixed.
@annette: It’s unfair, you’ve got an alliterative name & surname!
From Queen Victoria’s ball,
You’ll make an enormous haul
Of pancreatic betas
With which they can treat us
To prevent our il&merickal fall.
I know, I know, I don’t refer to anything in the text above, but as footnote I was extremely affronted by @teloz‘s unwelcoming words…I thought that for diabetes limericks, we might indicate that they weren’t amputees?
I’m off to make scones with lemonade & cream:
It’s as “fast” as an Analog Insulin stream…
But their stay in the oven
Really is a dozen,
Not like Ana’s thirty-supposed-to-be-fifteem.
Pachyderms who pump, get pierced with a porcpin:
That queasy quilting-with-a-quill is quartan.
The range* includes “Rhino”
And slender, svelte “Spino“;
If their tummies are tallowed, it might take a tall ‘un.
*currently available are “Porcupine” (middling), “Rhino”(robust), “Spino”(lengthy), “Sugarbird”(ideal for hyperglycaemic fine artists) and “Kudu”(if you’re kinky)
Dig into tens of tubs of DIABICE:
It’s refreshingly light, and rather nice.
To prevent this delight
From causing frostbite,
Add a tiny tinge of chilli spice.
Ubiquitous BGs will be under and up
‘Cause that vagabond vampire has vacated his sup.
So why is his wame sick
And for Xmas, he’s exodontic?
“A yard of yummy yule sop makes a yucky* yule cup.”
If nude DIABICE should give you the shivers,
Try the new kind with Fruit Pastille slivers.
You’ll be burning more fuel
Eating stuff with a chill:
Some sweetness might help out your dozy D liver(s).
If you’re a believer in voodoo,
You might think the horn of a kudu
Can be used as syringe,
As it fits you a cinch:
Its uncontrolled spiral does suit you.
A rude & outlandish hippo
Has been stepping on everyone’s big toe…
It’s just ’cause Queen Vic’s
Hot cough syrup mix
Has more carbs & ‘cohol than that snow.
Test strips as such aren’t muti,
But are still a big part of your booty:
For a pot, you give Mammon
Three kilos of gammon*…
Or more, at ASDA, if he’s not snooty.
*after rounding off, at Tesco’s; with the pot containing One Touch Ultras (last year’s December price)
Haemoglobin are told many sweet sins by bikini’d babes* with sugary skins. Although at home he stays mum, 1 nurse later, he’ll become confessing about their smooth, hairy shins.
my BGs are metric’ly measured in minute female bits of gangster’s kin. over the pond lasses respond
/Like ladies of bounty: one’s like eighteen!(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Basal seems flat as a manta… At times, though, it should look like Santa: Sunrise, you’ll need A trifle more feed; Later, before it’s early, make it scanter.
A handful of singles Should save your toes’ tingles. Heave you a five Every mo you’re alive: Smear fielders, Vaseline Girls*!
*A troupe of overalled ladies armed with jars of petroleum jelly & brushes, who’ll ensure that not just the slips’ paws are slippery…oh, and they’re usually referred to as the Balmy Army
Pumps are terrestrial creatures Used to keep “dry”*, ‘stead of leeches. Must you dive in a pool? Put pump on a stool: Swimming’s not one of its features.
Now that the year’s as blunt as a lancet Employed all annum as burrowing blood-get, Whip out that snickersnee’s
‘Ung over dull piece: New Year’s the time to be sharp as a pinhead.
Though trifles sound tiny as mice,
They can make your blood glucose rise.
Once the cream on the top
Ends sweetness’s stop,
For the PP*, there’s verminous highs.
Polymermaidens put milk in
To make sensors smooth & silken.
If you turn up your nose
For their fishy lactose,
Rather dip your REAL-Times in the grease tin.
Passive-aggressive diabetics
Lancetless do their finger pricks:
As their hides stay shut
And they get no blood,
They prong them with some pointed sticks.
A diabetic mewled: “I feel low!”,
So was sent to the shrink, Dr. Dough.
“Slurp pink spaghetti
While your foot’s feeling heady –
Your psyche will rise ’til your right toe.”
If pump pouch needs a tummy tuck
After years of bearing all that muck,
It might droop in lavvy
‘Cause its load’s so heavy:
Some nip&tuck…and it’s out of kak!
Should your raiment get soppily wet
When you hypo and start spouting sweat,
Ask Marilyn Monroe
Where she got that airflow:
It’ll blow you as dry as crispbread.
As pirate’s Medic Alert,
The parrot’s an excellent bird:
“I’m a poly-!” it screeches,
“Eat, drink, wet breeches!”
I’ll give a leg for a thing so absurd…
If CGM gets laryngitis
And can’t scream when your BG slight is,
A drop of blue Bols
Might restore its loud calls
By cooling those vocal cord blighters…
These lines belong to one of @teloz ‘s imaginary PumpPets:
My nightie I’ve toodle-oo kissed:
Henceforth, I shall be a gnudist…
Though I’ll keep on my hose
To deliver that dose,
And stop me becoming too pissed*.
When modelling stuff that is haute,
Damned is the digit with spot…
Though if I was Doulton,
And selling a salt tin,
I’d pay tons for @tim‘s pepper pot.
For just in case, a bag’s the theng,
With spares and sweets, the whole shebeng…
Your lord Baden-Powell
Approves such bestowal:
You’ll be prepared for Mafikeng.
There goes my Actrapid sausage…
Where shall I find suchlike sauce which
Costs less than those packs
Of porcine knick-knacks?
Better fly off, dear pet ostrich!
A bride, with her pump on her garter
And fruit pastilled blooms – don’t you her?
She cried with dismay
As she tossed them away:
“Quite soon, I’ll be glycaemic martyr!”
A lecherous old gnome sits and cries,
He weeps, and he wails, and he sighs.
He knows it’s a sin
To stick pen needles in
The flesh of a tender bride’s thighs. 😆
While Kate can dump trained gown in bag,
The ‘betes is always a drag…
We can’t just ask Harry
This damn thing to carry:
We’re fettered, like Terry to fag.
A basal alarm’s like a baby –
With wauling it’ll both night and day be
Getting you stressed:
By giving it breast,
You might get it hushed up…well, maybe.
A nasty ophthalmo imposter
Got hold of the poor Earl of Gloucester:
“Your eyes I’ll take, fellow –
Their yolks* are all yellow…
And wife whines ’cause eggs so much cost her.”
*caused by oedematic maculae, with “hard yellow exudates”
Your soul will bathe in black pools
If blood’s full of treacly pack mules.
Get rid of that toffeed
Asinine horse breed
By nipping off all of jack’s jewels.
If you find your pen a bit thick,
And yearn for an object more sleek,
Feed it to a dachshund
Whose sphincters are not ruined:
You’ll have to put up with some reek.
Nig, while Munching dried peaches
Does cry: “Life sure a bitch is!
These fruits seem so small,
But carb-wise, they’re tall:
Avaunt, ye sly BG* riches!”
*in this case, it can be both blood glucose & bowel gas (thanks to the preservative, sulphur dioxide)
A pimp* said: “I need basal rates
To pay for the beds of my maids.
An upstanding bolus
Is short and is soulless:
My poor dears need rest when it late’s”.
It’s quite a big challenge to get
Your food and fast stuff to duet.
If just one should solo,
You both high and low go:
When eating, play fife and trumpet.
“A true tasteful girl with Type 1
Should not flaunt her flavour, my son:
Her highs and her lows,
Her rank rotten toes
Polite conversation should shun.”*
*expressing opinion of recently terrestrial creature from the Devonian era
When visiting a restaurant,
Make sure you’ve got a breast implant*
Of functional betas
That guarantees eaters
A steady stream to bear the brunt.
*a new Medtronic device, the Mamma Mio, consisting of a Mamma (breast pump) and a Mio (infusion set)…now how’s that for paying tribute to 2 of Shoot Up’s pet obsessions?
Just hope that your partner’s invisible
When you are in need of a fruit pastille,
Else the DVLA
You of licence might spay:
Which leaves you sedan chair or bicycle.