Diabetes limericks

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This topic contains 331 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by  Cecile 7 years, 9 months ago.

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  • #9877

    Tim
    Keymaster

    Limericks = highest of all the artforms; thus (please, please join in with your own):

  • #11114

    Tim
    Keymaster

    There was a young man with a blog
    Whose insulin was analogue
    It’s not so strange
    It’s hardly deranged
    It’s just simply humalog

  • #11112

    Tim
    Keymaster

    There was a young man from Brunei
    Whose friends would look at him awry
    It’s not an affection
    I must do my injection
    It’s insulin and if I don’t I will die

  • #11113

    Tim
    Keymaster

    There was a young man with diabetes
    Who despite his many entreaties
    Asked for a pump
    Was told to take a running jump
    He then took it up with his health board and local MP to little avail.

  • #11115

    Anonymous

    @tim Perhaps a new Video Blog episode??

  • #11116

    Cecile
    Participant

    In order to stay diabeteless,
    You should keep your urine melitless.
    Shoot up day and night,
    Give your test strips a sight
    Or your frame will too soon become meatless.

  • #11117

    Cecile
    Participant

    If you wanted the idealised quantus
    Of your long-acting insulin Lantus:
    Hop onto the scale,
    Take note of its tale
    And quarter it all for your wantus.*

    *when reading aloud, pronounce -us as a lingering snaily -sss

  • #11118

    Tim
    Keymaster

    @ckoei – thought you would come up with some good ‘uns!

  • #11119

    Cecile
    Participant

    In Tim’s fridge, a bottle of onions
    Sets Annette a-drool into dustbins.
    Don’t let her shoot up
    With her spirited pump:
    Those sour bulbs cause gastric oblivions!

  • #11120

    Cecile
    Participant

    A Type 2 diabetic called Terry
    Even though hearthrugged & hairy,
    With no hair on his top
    His doses won’t stop
    Going up without end…it is scary. ;-O

  • #11123

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    @ckoei – Pmsl! I love it! :D

    A South African girl named Cecile
    Put out a global appeal,
    She just wanted to wheedle
    An insulin needle,
    That when stuck in she just wouldn’t feel.

  • #11124

    Annette A
    Participant

    There once was a lad from Dundee
    Who used MDI therapy
    For a pump he did ask
    Put his nurse to the task
    But she just said ‘We’ll just wait and see…’

    ‘We’ll put your name down on the list.’
    At this our young lad did get pissed.
    So he wrote loads of letters
    To his elders and betters
    But he might just as well have knit mist.

    So he waited, ’till cometh the day
    When the call came ‘We’re happy to say’
    Come November you’ll get
    What you haven’t had yet
    You pump finally is on its way!’

  • #11125

    Annette A
    Participant

    Said a young lass from Indian Queens
    Diagnosed in her quite early teens
    ‘On the bright side at least
    I can legally feast
    During schooltime on green jelly beans!’

  • #11126

    Annette A
    Participant

    Once a jab, then a pen, now a pump
    Once a pee test, now bloods – what a jump!
    But advances aside
    Highs and lows, far and wide
    Bring us all down to earth with a bump!

  • #11128

    Tim
    Keymaster

    He he! These are all excellent!

  • #11129

    Cecile
    Participant

    A lady shot up in her bosom,
    As her lap was beset by a possum:
    “It is always the best
    To pin corsage to chest,
    Or how else could you see that I blossom?”

  • #11130

    Anonymous

    Lol! These are great! Love ’em :)

    Just wish I had some skill with words :S

  • #11131

    Cecile
    Participant

    You really need little Apidra
    If you’re set on devouring a hydra.
    The same doesn’t go
    For a bundle of dough –
    Else your pee will be yum for Candida.

  • #11132

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    The black Accu-Chek Compact Plus
    Is almost as big as a bus,
    But it still sucks your blood,
    N’ gives the figures it should
    So I don’t see why @tim makes a fuss.

  • #11133

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Hyperglycaemia’s a bitch,
    Left too long it gives you the itch,
    Being hypo is worse
    It’s a terrible curse,
    ‘Coz you just might wake up in a ditch.

  • #11134

    Anonymous

    @teloz Love the last one Terry!! :)

  • #11136

    Cecile
    Participant

    If a needle snaps off in your skin,
    Just take a huge swig of gin.
    No need for a squeeze
    Or a pinch and a tweeze…
    There’ll be space in that overfull bin.

  • #11140

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    When your pancreas packs up it’s true
    Diabetes comes out of the blue.
    So it’s not such a sin
    Putting insulin in,
    For a pump though, you just have to queue.

  • #11142

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    I’m fed up of needles and pins,
    Of blood tests and big yellow bins,
    But it really don’t matter
    I’ve got even fatter,
    And I’m still a T2 for me sins!

  • #11143

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    I thought that the last Shoot Up poll
    Was quaint and a little bit droll
    But the answer to choose
    Was to top all T2s
    Now I daren’t even go for a stroll.

  • #11144

    Anonymous

    Wow these are great but I’m rather impressed with @teloz these last few are brilliant!

  • #11145

    Cecile
    Participant

    @teloz: Can’t say I pissed myself, ’cause I have aged parent’s TENAs at my disposal, but I’m still laughing :D (while also vomiting – I’m on hypo-heave sick leave, but go, go Collinguam!)

  • #11146

    Cecile
    Participant

    The USB Contour of Baery:
    A processes-itself little dairy –
    With its rennety ilk
    All your blood glucose milk
    Is transformed into cheese (and some sherry).

  • #11147

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Poor @ckoei is not very well
    She’s heaving her lungs up as well.
    Add the sad fact
    her urinary tract
    Is leaking, but no one can tell.

  • #11148

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Thanks everyone, but when you’re on a roll you just have to go with it! You may have noticed that I love limericks, but it’s hard to keep up with you @ckoei, you crack me up! :D

  • #11149

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    All diabetic fairies and gnomes
    Have lots of posh kit in their homes,
    With meters and pumps
    And garish sharps dumps,
    Plus instructions that come in big tomes.

  • #11151

    Cecile
    Participant

    When you’re low, with your head in the loo;
    Heaving up pint glasses of bitterish goo,
    You’re still writing prosy
    Second-rate bits of poesy
    All because of that lurking and leering Type Two…

  • #11152

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    While poor @ckoei is barfing her beer
    I find it incredibly queer
    That she still has the means
    To write limericks in reams
    ‘Cos she thinks that I’m having a leer.

    Us gnomes are much nicer than that
    Her back needs a rub and a pat.
    I’d help out if I could,
    As anyone would,
    But sadly I’m not where she’s at.

  • #11153

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Hmmmm… drifting off topic a bit now, but sod it, I’m having fun! My apologies to the Lord and Lady of the Blog. ;)

  • #11154

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    If it wasn’t for @alison and @tim
    I’d be out of this mess that I’m in.
    Driven by need
    To pen limerick screed
    With rhymes that at times are too thin.

  • #11155

    Annette A
    Participant

    While the tagline of Shoot-Up is droll
    Making humourless masses recoil
    @teloz gives wit
    @ckoei ‘s rhymes often fit
    So the rest of us can only LOL.

  • #11156

    Cecile
    Participant

    @annette: LOL (again)

    If diabetes brings blackest despair,
    Limerickan salvation is here:
    After green jelly Queens
    And Indian beans,
    A barfing bonanza will bring up some cheer :D

    Limericks might have some other medical significance: while lowing about quite a lot these last few days, I’ve noticed that when I’m going down, it becomes increasingly difficult to read the limericks rhythmically “right” (especially the lady with the bosom…) So if you don’t have CGM, keep these babies close at hand. And for hypers, you’ll have to start writing haikus :))

  • #11159

    Cecile
    Participant

    @teloz: What happened to “the dog’s danglies”? It still appears in “Activity”, but here on home ground, you seemed to have spayed it :(

  • #11160

    Cecile
    Participant

    As the world becomes misty and my magnifier seems cracked,
    Say salvete to “oxidation” and “binocular cataract”:
    They’ll suck it all out
    With a vacuuming snout,
    Then shove in some plastic…argh, my chin hairs are stacked!!!

  • #11162

    Cecile
    Participant

    Should they tickle my toes with a feather,
    I’ll “moo!” and pull at my tether…
    But the tuning fork’s ping
    Makes nothing go zing –
    So below I have ticklish & tone-deaf leather.

  • #11165

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    @ckoei – I don’t know what happened, I did delete one of my less salubrious efforts, but I didn’t mean to castrate the dog. He’s now fully recovered!

    An insulin pump is the best,
    The bugger is never at rest.
    With pretties and spanglies
    It’s just the dog’s danglies
    But of course, you still have to test.

  • #11173

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    I’ve a hole in my finger again
    And if I’ve got one I’ve got ten.
    Leaking blood by the litre
    To feed that damned meter,
    It gets very wearing y’ken!

  • #11177

    Cecile
    Participant

    @teloz: Oops, my bud-nipping terminology is a bit muddled…but with dog dangling along so merrily again, I hope that the bitch (called hyperglycaemia) is castrated! :)

  • #11181

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    A sexy young diabetic nurse
    Said, “I know that testing’s a curse,”
    But if you don’t test,
    Your heart will arrest
    And your last ride will be in a hearse!

  • #11182

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Metformin and Gliclazide
    Are distributed far and wide,
    To curb the blood glucose,
    And systemic sucrose,
    Of T2s on a slow downward slide.

    Please, can I stop now? My brain is inundated by limericks, it’s all your fault @tim! :P

  • #11183

    Cecile
    Participant

    Count Dracula* counts carbs
    When sinking his barbs
    Into that sweet, sickly treat
    Which is diabetic meat…
    Until a week passes, and he’s discarded as sharps.

    *CGM

  • #11185

    Cecile
    Participant

    My genial goblin called Haem
    Is always denied a sweet dream
    By that bent upon jinn,
    Penny Insulin,
    And her short & long-acting scheme.

  • #11186

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Ghaaaaaa! I’m sorry, I can’t help it!

    The neuropathy don’t really hurt
    Or the drops of blood on my shirt
    It’s the fact that my willy
    Is now very silly,
    It needs Cialis pills to get pert!

  • #11187

    Cecile
    Participant

    Talking of pricks,
    I use* Multiclix:
    Just a roll of its barrel
    And the old ones skedaddle;
    With settings for deep or the slightest of snicks.

    *Where “use” doesn’t imply self-gratification, though all of Accu-Chek’s repertoire resemble hobbit-dildos. My current favourite (as far as suggestive shape goes), is Bayer’s Ascencia Microlet – it looks like something you could shave your legs with, one hair at a time :D

  • #11188

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    You ladies just don’t know the half
    Erectile dysfunction’s no laugh
    In moments of passion
    Dipping into one’s ration
    Of pills that help stiffen the staff

  • #11192

    Tim
    Keymaster

    Are we going off topic here a touch Terry? ;-)

  • #11194

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    @tim – Well… sadly, it is diabetes related, diabetic neuropathy can be very cruel, and if my lewd little limericks can forewarn the younger men of the perils of poor control it would make me very happy. Let’s be honest, they’re only a tingey-whingey bit ribald.

    Now… can I find two words to rhyme with neuropathy… ;)

  • #11196

    Annette A
    Participant

    Retinopathy?
    Homeopathy?
    Allopathy?
    (And one maybe just made for @teloz) Erotopathy ;-)

  • #11197

    Cecile
    Participant

    Bureaucracy? (As uttered by a Discworldian Igor…and have your brolly at the ready :))

    When foot nerves to death go a-scurry
    It feels like your foot’s full of curry.
    But imipramine
    Will soothingly clean
    All feeling of fire in a hurry*.

    *Make that about 3 weeks. A few months later, the affected neurons will be as dead as doornails and as @teloz says, “neuropathy don’t really hurt”…but it does kill the albatross!

  • #11198

    Tim
    Keymaster

    Sorry Terry – I should have realised your limerick was a cautionary, salutary and somewhat chilling tale. You’re like the Ancient Mariner of the diabetes world! :-D

  • #11199

    Cecile
    Participant

    A diabetic henswain called @charlie*
    Was sipping on Coke and malted barley
    When the size of her dram
    Made the boat capsize: “Damn!
    I should have one for weather and for lee.”

    *Shoot Up’s Middle(1/2 an Ancient @teloz) Aged Mariner, showing us the importance of being well balanced ;)

  • #11200

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    “Since then, at an uncertain hour,
    That agony returns;
    And till my ghastly tale is told,
    This heart within me burns.

    I pass, like night, from land to land;
    I have strange power of speech;
    That moment that his face I see,
    I know the man that must hear me:
    To him my tale I teach.”
    (The Rime of the Ancient Mariner; Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

    Damn that albatross; I can stand the smell, but the maggots drive me crazy!

  • #11201

    Tim
    Keymaster

    @teloz – he he he! :-D

  • #11202

    Anonymous

    It is an ancient diabetic
    And he stoppeth one in three
    ‘By thy cold grey toes and failing eyes,
    Have you a pump for me?’

    The doctor’s doors are opened wide
    He is the next one in,
    So down he sits, and then lets rip,
    Give me some insulin!

  • #11203

    Cecile
    Participant

    My Autoimmune-Team’s Mr. Ts
    Became mean to my pancreatic Bs:
    They were smashed & bashed
    And phagocytically stashed;
    For their graves, I got pots of sweet Ps.

  • #11204

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Toes that are lost to gangrene
    Are the nastiest thing that I’ve seen,
    But reduction in heat
    Kills the fungus on feet,
    So not all news is bad it would seem.

  • #11205

    Tim
    Keymaster

    @hils – very good!!

  • #11206

    Cecile
    Participant

    @teloz: Re “reduction in heat”,

    If a bride/groom’s feet has to be cold
    To keep all those microbes on hold,
    Diabetics can’t marry,
    In limbo they’ll tarry,
    Or give up a limb if they fold?

    (or they can wash their feet in a lukewarm & weak saline solution to bugger up infective single cells’ osmotic balance…and live happily&cosy-toed ever after :))

  • #11230

    Anonymous

    There was a diabetic named Tim
    Whose view of pump funding was dim
    They told him to wait
    His health left to fate
    But at least he’s got a cannula in!

  • #11233

    Tim
    Keymaster

    @charlie – he he he!

  • #11243

    Cecile
    Participant

    “As big as an egg” is the carby portion
    Long held as standard when stuffing starch in:
    But would this ovum be able to fit
    In the egg-pipe of ostrich or that of a tit…
    Or is it pushed out by some chicken contortion?

  • #11246

    Cecile
    Participant

    The stuff that we now use to bolus
    Is rather inclined to go solus.
    Where the oldies ring-a-rosied,
    The new ‘uns won’t be posied:
    They tiff and rush off to where a hole* is.

    *insulin receptor

  • #11247

    Cecile
    Participant

    Lingering Lantus piles into a scrum
    That loosens up daylong, to ruck, then to crumb;
    While the Levemir-bantling is best tucked away
    In the bosom of Al* for its 12-hourly stay…
    Though both “rugby” & “baby” are a pain** in the bum.

    *Albumin
    **Especially if injected straight from fridge

  • #11252

    Cecile
    Participant

    At dawn, glycaemic doors are thrown ajar –
    Out gallops enough glucose to make a Mars Bar.
    To herd it all in
    To pastures of green,
    You’ll need an insulin whip (and sugar lumps, if you go too far).

  • #11256

    Cecile
    Participant

    While watching the telly, and there’s two Doctors Whos –
    After not necessarily drinking litres of booze,
    One might rightly presume
    Without pricking a thumb,
    That one’s sweetness is TARDISing towards temperate twos…

  • #11274

    Cecile
    Participant

    If you yearn for an insulin Sten
    That resembles a transvestite peahen,
    Just nab a few feathers
    And glue them to leathers
    With which to dress up your old Autopen.

  • #11282

    Cecile
    Participant

    When you pump, you’re bound to get you tubed
    While asleep and your neck becomes belooped:
    To get out of that spot
    Of Gordian knot,
    Use a sword, but beware of having head cubed!

  • #11314

    Anonymous

    There was a young woman with high
    Blood sugars, and so she would die
    But with Medical Support
    And DAFNE self taught
    She might diabetes defy!!

  • #11315

    Tim
    Keymaster

    These get better! We should publish them in book form and donate the profits to a massive Shoot Up booze fund!

  • #11317

    Cecile
    Participant

    Shoot Up’s sottish, head snorting swign
    Plans to use us to buy Scottish whine!
    Please cook up his trotters
    With fried green tomotters,
    ‘Cause choccies&cheese are much more divyne…

  • #11321

    Anonymous

    There was a young lady, Cecile,
    Who carb counted before every meal
    Despite insulin flowing
    She knew where her blood sugars were going
    Thanks to Tim, and his ContourUSB deal!!

  • #11323

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Shoot Up’s a wonderful blog
    It tries to cut through the fog;
    It has members who’re numerous,
    Articles that are humorous,
    And a mod who’s a diabetic dog.

  • #11325

    Tim
    Keymaster

    @teloz – he he! I like that one!

  • #11367

    Cecile
    Participant

    A self-suckling*, parched diabetic
    Can be salted and dished up as fesikh:
    When ground to a paste,
    What glorious taste
    Is that sweet-saline, sure-fire emetic**!

    *All those fingertipsy bloodhounds among us
    **Guaranteed to get rid of sugar (and everything else)

  • #11444

    Cecile
    Participant

    The pancreatic god SusAnthony*
    Got split into 2 below the knee:
    While Su sugars on,
    Ant’s footing has gone,
    So it’s better to worship our BrownFinney.

    *For the sake of Calvinistic monotheism & limerickan rhythm, Susan (Sugar upping sauce after nilpermouth/glucagon) and Anthony (Anti-honey/insulin) had to be fused… and stuff somatostatin!

  • #11449

    Cecile
    Participant

    A giraffe gave a covetous sigh,
    ’cause its blood glucose was always high:
    “Being a gnome
    (or a miniature poem),
    You’ll be low even if you eat pie*…”

    *specifically, apple turnovers

  • #11450

    Alison
    Keymaster

    Wow, I am in awe of so many literary masterpieces. It seems that all the energy saved by not producing any insulin has been diverted to the creative genius part of your brains. I never dreamt you could shoehorn diabetes into quite so many limericks!

  • #11456

    Cecile
    Participant

    @alison: You still owe us at least 27 – all Shoot Up members are obliged to write as many limericks/haiku(s) as years since they’ve been diagnosed (and those who’ve had it for less than 20 yrs are bound by their genetic propensity to go back to their conception…so one poem will only have to be 9/12 or 3/4 of a full one :D)

  • #11457

    Alison
    Keymaster

    @ckoei So not only do I have to have an annual eye/foot/kidney/blood pressure/everything else check, I now need to add limerick composition to the list? These diabetes complications are getting out of control!

  • #11463

    Cecile
    Participant

    @alison: If you want to complain, do it in rhyme (AABBA). And to placate Shoot Up’s bisexual pancreatic god(s) Susan & Anthony/BrownFinney, your (and everyone else’s) tally has just gone up to 32 (after adding Tim’s few drops)…she she she, thank goodness I’ve got limerickpathy ;)

  • #11464

    Alison
    Keymaster

    I thought having diabetes wasn’t too bad
    Until @ckoei made me so sad
    If bad eyes and kidneys weren’t complications enough
    I now find there’s even more stuff
    Like writing enough damn limericks to drive you mad

  • #11467

    Cecile
    Participant

    Hurrah! She’s off! (you’ll have to bash your own bow with a champagne bottle)…31 to go – and no one’s yet mentioned Fruit Pastilles (or the dangers of Chinese dumplings) :)

  • #11468

    Alison
    Keymaster

    Some say that Rowntrees Fruit Pastilles
    Are the cure to all of life’s ills
    When your brain’s full of typos
    And you know that you’re hypo
    It’s time to reach for those sugar-rush pills

  • #11469

    Annette A
    Participant

    Okay, it’s not a limerick, but…
    ODE TO A NEWLY DIAGNOSED DIABETIC
    When your numbers keep on climbing
    And your thirst wont go away
    If your vision goes all blurry
    Then you’re hyper on that day.
    If you feel a little shaky
    Once your levels start to drop
    If your brain won’t think in straight lines
    Glucose will, the hypo, stop.
    Once your HBAs are stable
    At a number close to 6
    When your post meals levels hover
    Close to 8, you’ve found the fix!
    When your food intake and dosage
    Of the insulin you need
    Have been tested, checked and sorted
    You’re in charge – you take the lead!
    Soon you’ll know as much as they do
    If you do your research well
    Your control will be in your hands
    – go and give those ‘experts’ hell!

  • #11476

    Cecile
    Participant

    For when you’re hypo, and prone to cussing
    Add some FPs to your washing.
    Then drink that effluent, slimy jelly
    (Thanks to soap, it isn’t smelly):
    It’ll smack your gob and stop ears blushing…

  • #11482

    Cecile
    Participant

    As genetic hairdos get shaped in the womb,
    Some HLA-genes are missed by the comb.
    Sooner or later,
    You’re a self-protein hater,
    And the gel ignites (of the Type 1 bomb).

  • #11493

    Cecile
    Participant

    The day Immune System starts driving a car,
    Some glandular bits* will get smacked to the tar.
    You’d think the DVLA
    Would have something to say,
    Yet the IS is immune – it’s really bizarre!

    *in the case of organ-specific autoimmunity (like T1 diabetes)

  • #11534

    Cecile
    Participant

    In the Martian city of L’Aventis,
    You can perambulate with holey panties
    And Lantus your bum…
    But Apidra your tum
    For those Mars bars’ feasts of plenties.

  • #11537

    Cecile
    Participant

    A sili nun named Su-Lin In
    Committed such a luni sin:
    She flirted with some antibodies,
    Let them in where only God is.
    This sin has done you in*, Su-Lin…

    *Have mercy! Poor thing was set on the road of debauchery after her beta-cell convent was invaded & destroyed by a mob of autoreactive T-cells :(

  • #11538

    Stephen
    Participant

    @ckoei some of these make my head hurt :)

  • #11539

    Cecile
    Participant

    Engelbert makes my head hurt
    Sitting there against Tim’s shirt,
    In summer’s heat…
    Rip off that tweed:
    Don tank top and a miniskirt!

  • #11540

    Tim
    Keymaster

    @ckoei – Pfft!

  • #11545

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    @ckoei‘s a very nice girl
    But her mind is all in a whirl.
    Writing Limericks galore
    She could be a bore,
    But instead she’s a poetic pearl

  • #11554

    Cecile
    Participant

    After pinpointy piercing by Singer,
    Your clothes think: “In safety we linger”,
    But what have we here…
    An insulin spear?
    You merciless mercery stinger!

  • #11559

    Cecile
    Participant

    And specially for @katie,

    Being stabbed by a needling Bernina,
    For your garb is just a beginner:
    If you inject through your clothes,
    You add to their woes –
    To textiles you cannot be meaner.

  • #11561

    Cecile
    Participant

    You’re likely to go hypo at Morecambe:
    Potted shrimps haven’t got much carbs on ’em.
    For a taste of what’s rich,
    Plunge into Blackpoolish pitch –
    A dip in that treacle will score some.

  • #11574

    Cecile
    Participant

    To cauterize leaky, retinal veins,
    Use a swamp dragon’s not-too-hot flames:
    To temper its heat,
    Feed it chilli that’s sweet,
    Or your ears might start puffing like steam-engined trains…

  • #11578

    Cecile
    Participant

    Most pumpers’ desideratum’s a clip
    That in a blink onto bloomers can slip.
    A belted bikini?
    If your name’s Mussolini…
    And while marching, you need extra grip.

  • #11591

    Cecile
    Participant

    An injection-objector, Blob Chick,
    Said: “Your penning has made me feel sick!”
    Though her public tooth-picking-
    And-lip-balm-on-sticking
    Have conjured up loads of reciprocal ick…

  • #11632

    Cecile
    Participant

    When courting a testy D-lass,
    Make sure your sweet-talk’s not too crass:
    With umpteenth innuendo
    About needles doing what men do,
    You’ll have plentiful pricks come to pass.

  • #11647

    Cecile
    Participant

    After weeks of being tectonic drift’s guest,
    Female BGs start climbing a hormonal crest:
    As plates collide,
    Peaks & troughs coincide;
    Pancake planes get crumpled up and there’s nEverest.

  • #11653

    Cecile
    Participant

    Glycaemic’ly speaking, some feasts can be taXing:
    With so much to eat that is sweet & climaXing.
    Pigging out in this way,
    You might lose limbs in the fray,
    And end up as boar’s head…with an apple…relaXing.

  • #11669

    Anonymous

    My BGs have got writer’s block:
    Block block block block block block.
    Block block block block block bloc,
    Block block block block block bloc…
    Block block block block block block block block!

    It looks like a neat & stable 5 high…just wish I could get some writer’s mortar, too –
    they’re so easily flattened to the floor or piled into towering heaps without it.

  • #11670

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    I’m really worried by Wally,
    I think she’s dropped off her trolley.
    Making limerick waste
    Using copy and paste,
    No wonder she’s not very jolly!

    Oooooops! Duly edited to reflect the true gender of Wally. My sincere apologies!

  • #11671

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    You have to feel proud of Cecile
    Her poems have lots of appeal.
    Sometimes they don’t scan
    As a limerick can
    But she writes them with unstinting zeal.

  • #11672

    Anonymous

    @teloz: I know Wally has a certain manly ring to it, but my full female glory – Wallette – makes me sound like a spendthrift bulwark of capitalism, so I fare forth with the former (just take note that I’m topped with some lovely Cochrane curls, and downwards I’m fully (f)rocked :) )

  • #11674

    Cecile
    Participant

    The reason CGM glucose sensors
    Can’t be dished out by medicine dispensers,
    Is that the BBC’s* got
    The whole blooming lot:
    Some six hundred’s employed as censors!!!!!!!

    *Poor things are tortured into dropping their esses by means of endless repetition of the spell “be…be…cee!”

  • #11677

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    @brickwall – sorry about the gender confusion, but you have to admit your avatar isn’t very helpful, that’ll teach me to do more research! Anyway, my derogatory ditty has been duly corrected. :)

  • #11678

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    My long suffering diabetes nurse
    Said, “Your vascular system’s perverse!
    When I try to get blood
    It’s like syphoning mud,
    It’s enough to make a bloody nurse curse!”

  • #11679

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Nursie got very upset
    With the last lot of blood that she let.
    My HbA1c
    Was eight point six-three
    She said, “How bloody daft can you get?”.

  • #11680

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Cathy my nice DSN
    Is not very happy with men.
    When she sticks in the needle
    She turns really evil,
    And pokes ’round again and again.

  • #11681

    Cecile
    Participant

    If you’re @teloz, and weigh nearly a ton,
    It’s such burden to go for a run.
    Let Nurse chop you in two
    And give each half a shoe:
    They’ll lightfootedly hop down to 4.31…5*

    *hypothetical HbA1c of one @teloz/2

  • #11686

    Cecile
    Participant

    A diabetic cockroach, Grigori’s
    Staple foods were sweets & liquorice.
    He’s now got six feet under
    And ommatidia all asunder –
    Thank goodness he can’t move to where that sticker is.

  • #11694

    Cecile
    Participant

    While shovelling snow up north,
    Set your basals to halfpennyworth…
    Or you might end up low,
    Then scooped up by a plough
    And tossed in the Firth of Forth.

  • #11715

    Cecile
    Participant

    When bugged by a plethora of plugs
    Used to bung up infusion set mugs,
    With a dollop of glue
    They’ll be baubles anew:
    Some seasonal finery for your fir (of Doug’s).

  • #11716

    Cecile
    Participant

    Diabetics with high blood sugars
    Are quite tasty for sweet toothed cougars.
    Just remind them to brush:
    Such sweetmeaty mush
    Is catastrophic for feline chewers.

  • #11720

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Gnomey has got a new meter,
    It’s not really very much neater
    Than the old Compact Plus
    That’s the size of a bus
    And sucks up his blood by the litre.

  • #11721

    Cecile
    Participant

    Terry’s new, colossal Cmpct +
    Sounds as thirsty as I once was
    Before diagnosis,
    Drinking Coke in big doses…
    Perhaps its BGs do ten surpass?

  • #11726

    Cecile
    Participant

    Should you land in a mosh pit sans* clothes
    And your pump is endowed with a hose,
    Get rid of the arms
    Of headbanging barms –
    A chain saw will timely of all tube hooks dispose.

    *But equipped with belt & @annette‘s hardy camera case, ’cause you’re going to need both hands to handle the saw :D

  • #11727

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Those ladies hooked up to a pump
    Sometimes get a bit of a hump;
    Their hoses in tangles
    With bracelets and bangles
    They come back to earth with a thump.

  • #11728

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Female penis envy is dead,
    They’re after our gonads instead.
    Testicular betas
    Are now here to greet us
    Can men ever sleep safe in their bed?

  • #11729

    Cecile
    Participant

    Are you sick & tired of test prickles?
    Nip tiny bits off Terry’s testicles;
    Shoot them up in your back
    And prevent immune flak:
    Send your T-cells on their sabbaticals.

  • #11730

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Misogynistic limericks aside
    Women just fill me with pride.
    We men just can’t tell,
    With our single brain cell,
    The compassionate nature you hide.

  • #11731

    Cecile
    Participant

    In the ruthless world of limericks
    There’s no sweetness or big, cheesy winks ;)
    For the sake of a rhyme,
    There’ll be many a crime:
    Like “camembert” & “preserved figs”*.

    *another one of those dishes of death that is dastardly difficult to bolus for…

  • #11732

    Cecile
    Participant

    Poor @teloz is really being stressed
    In the search for some savings and through quest
    For born again B*-cells:
    First gallows, now belles
    Out to grab albatross eggs from his nest.

    *Beta (forum unable to do Greek letters)

  • #11733

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    I’m glad I don’t live in SA
    And see our Cecile every day.
    Her vast intellect
    Makes me feel so henpecked
    I’d eventually wither away.

  • #11734

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    One hundred and thirty nine posts
    Must be a surprise to our hosts.
    Limerickical rhymes
    in these modern times
    Must be worth any number of toasts!

  • #11735

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    It’s really quite easy to fall
    For the prospect of losing a ball;
    To beat diabetes
    It’s easy to see these
    As objects of useful recall.

  • #11736

    Anonymous

    Tim’s diabetic top tip
    Is get Engelbert driving your ship
    At first he injected
    But now that’s rejected
    And now they are joined at the hip.

  • #11737

    Cecile
    Participant

    I hereby declare @teloz bull of the ball :D

    So my brain’s inhabited by a brood of intellig-hens
    That make @teloz quail when they cackle their loony sense?
    They can’t prevent hypos
    Or cataracts & fry toes,
    But they can pop out rotten eggs* by the hendecadozens…

    *limer(ch)icks

  • #11738

    Cecile
    Participant

    Good gracious! So @tim is a hippie?
    Continuously out on a drippy trip, he?
    No more pens that are swords
    To strike my empathy chords
    And no more reason to be dippy?

  • #11739

    Cecile
    Participant

    It’s taken me years for the penny to drop
    On how to hitch pump to your midriffic cob:
    With a CLICK, THUNK and cry, Oh!
    Of Oh-my, Oh-mio!
    It seems like quite a handful…or would that be a bob?

  • #11745

    Cecile
    Participant

    When inserting sensing bits in your blubber,
    You’ll be in need of a lard-cleaving grubber:
    If you have no harpoon,
    You can sharpen a spoon –
    With which you also can shovel in your supper.

  • #11747

    Anonymous

    My BGs are such unruly kids:
    Supposed to stay safe & sound in the mids,
    But they’re drawn like dog hairs
    To carpeted stairs –
    Up and down all day long…foolish gits!

  • #11757

    Anonymous

    My BGs drive me up the wall
    When they upwardly climb & downwardly fall.
    For their ups, there is insulin;
    For their downs, I put sweeties in…
    So Humpty’s got a mattress* and a mound, few bricks tall.

    *made of marshmallow

  • #11758

    Cecile
    Participant

    Diabetes is an interminable test
    With overs never over and no rest.
    Armed with insulin bat
    And glucose bowled fast* at that,
    You can but hope that the pitch is the best**.

    *& slow, you never know with a bowler who varies pace
    **not for bowlers, though…

  • #11759

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Comparing diabetes to cricket
    Is clever you know, just the ticket!
    The analogy’s sound
    For the merry-go-round
    With the needle and just where to stick it.

  • #11761

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    The buttock, the belly, the thigh,
    The choice makes me waver and sigh
    I know that the needle
    Is not really evil
    But when it hurts me I just wonder why.

  • #11764

    Cecile
    Participant

    Diabetic gnomes have such sensitive feelers:
    Even mossies can make them turn squealers.
    If what you hear sounds appalling
    (Like soprano bagpipes caterwauling),
    They’d much rather shoot up than go mealless.

  • #11769

    Cecile
    Participant

    Chirping on in crickety vein:

    You can also use glucose as willowy swat
    To dab at balls bowled by the insulin squad:
    With basals as spinners
    And fast bolus* winners,
    Your wickets will go low, shot or no shot.

    *bowlers’

  • #11773

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Those horrible, nasty T2s
    Are taking much more than their dues.
    All that posh insulin
    That they’re pumping in
    Should be left for the others to use.

  • #11774

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    To save costs in our great NHS
    We must give the T2s something less.
    Putting them on strict diets
    Won’t cause any riots,
    But it won’t help to sort out the mess.

  • #11781

    Cecile
    Participant

    In order to kick an infusion set goal,
    Get Gerrard to make you a hole.
    Just hope that your lard
    Is not van der Sarred
    And that your cannula darts in like Joe Cole.

  • #11782

    Cecile
    Participant

    For a game of diabetic darts,
    Paint your stomach without triple parts:
    Protect your bull’s eye with glasses
    To prevent umbilic trespasses;
    Put a score of 10* or less on the cards.

    *for kidneys’ sake

  • #11787

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Tim’s Shoot Up review of the year
    Really is nothing to fear;
    Written so quick
    With his digital Bic,
    Once read it runs out of your ear. :)

  • #11788

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Good old Diabetes UK
    Often has plenty to say
    About things diabetic
    And lives so frenetic
    It’s best if you do as they say.

  • #11789

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Some people would say that it’s sad
    For Gnomey alone in his pad
    Writing crap limericks
    To get all his kicks
    As if rhyming was all that he had.

  • #11790

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    With lantus my flab is awash
    Absorbing large dollops of dosh
    That the poor NHS
    I have to confess
    Could use to buy clerks orange squash.

  • #11791

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Five needles a day is the norm
    Six or seven if my blood’s out of form
    Add the holes from the lancets
    That make me do dance steps
    Diabetes just goes down a storm!

  • #11793

    Cecile
    Participant

    Those nasty NHS top brass
    Have been wasting dough on orange squash & cars.
    Now they’re withholding Lantus
    To make their patients sweet as Fantas,
    Then sold & served in vampiric bars.

  • #11794

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    The holiday season is here
    A time all diabetics fear.
    When you know that mince pies
    Can ruin your eyes
    And your kidneys, it’s perfectly clear.

  • #11795

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    If nakedness floats your boat
    Running around sans your coat
    Just watch your blood glucose
    And membranes that are mucose
    Or your DSN bites out your throat!

  • #11796

    Cecile
    Participant

    In the case of diabetes,
    Both cursed & blessed are sweeties:
    When high, you must stop;
    When low, stuff your gob
    Or you’ll end up not too sure of where your feet is.

  • #11797

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    On days when your poor feet are numb
    It’s easy to end on your bum.
    To slide and to slip,
    To stumble and trip,
    It’s really not very much fun.

  • #11798

    Cecile
    Participant

    Neuropathy now gets accused
    ‘Cause @teloz‘s bum is abused.
    Rather glare at your Croc:
    It turns floor into bog –
    You wouldn’t get glued if you were differently shoesed.

  • #11800

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Those Crocs are really ideal
    For protecting feet that can’t feel
    The reduction in pain
    Is a positive gain
    When you know that they won’t ever heal.

  • #11801

    Cecile
    Participant

    The NHS’s newest way to skive
    And make all Type Two BGs dive,
    Is to give them a shoe
    Made of concrete & glue…
    You might end up* with a mermaid wife.

    *or is it down…at Morecambe?

  • #11802

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Wherever the nice T1s lead
    With their minuscule insulin need
    The T2s will foller
    In profligate squalor
    Drinking gallons and gallons, like mead.

  • #11803

    Cecile
    Participant

    With sweet blood & high blood pressure,
    Take a hot bath for your pleasure:
    You’ll be cooking some jam
    Without* “wham!” or a “bam!” –
    And be prized as well-preserved treasure.

    *thanks to holes made by injections/infusions/lancets

  • #11804

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    I’m actually beginning to see
    That Cecile is competing with me,
    Each diabetic story
    Is for limerick glory,
    We’re both just sad as can be.

  • #11805

    Cecile
    Participant

    Limericks aren’t supposed to be flaunt lit:
    A throwing down of the verbal gauntlet…
    These long-distance strolls
    Through diabetic dust bowls
    Were meant to be jolly & frolicking jaunt* lit(?)

    *Of course, you’re going to have to get rid of those cumbersome, concrete clonkers and clap on Crocs (after slipping out of scratchy, sad sackcloth**)

    **This is a not very subtle challenge to see who can compose the most alliterative limerick…and I urge other members to join the fray – we’ll need a sizable army to conquer @teloz on that front ;)

  • #11806

    Anonymous

    My BGs are blooming bumbling bees,
    Can’t crank out honey, ’cause they’ve lost the keys:
    Niggling insulin’s nigh
    So glucagon has gone shy;
    Fall down the flue to bounce* back to your knees.

    *compliments of adrenaline

  • #11808

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Alliterative limericks lack lustre
    Bedecked with bravado and bluster.
    Rough, rollicking rhymes
    On euphemistic enzymes,
    Many more than a mad man might muster.

  • #11809

    Cecile
    Participant

    After autoimmune assasination
    Of bulging betas (by bashing them thin),
    Your T-cells can’t cope
    With the D they’ve dished up:
    Every tea time, enneedle & eat the min*.

    *minimum…or mince pies

  • #11810

    Cecile
    Participant

    Fruit Pastilles fit in a feline Fleur bag
    & Give good grounds to gallivant through the Gulag.
    Halt happy hard labour!
    Insulin is in favour:
    Jam down those jujubes to jellify your JET LAG*.

    *Jackhammering Exertions To blame (for) Low Arterial Glucose

  • #11811

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    Footnotes are a terrible way
    To explain what your rhyme has to say
    If you can’t get the metre
    With alpha and beta
    You might as well not try and play.

  • #11812

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    A limerick’s rhythm is fixed
    By traditions that can’t be unmixed
    Though tweaks are allowed
    You can’t fool the crowd
    So the ones that don’t work are just nixed.

  • #11813

    Hairy Gnome
    Participant

    This blog is a wonderful model
    Helping new diabetics to toddle
    Through DMI doses
    To pumps and their hoses
    Without lots of ignorant twaddle.

  • #11814

    Annette A
    Participant

    Alliterative Angels and
    Heavenly Hosts all Holding Hands
    Sweetly Singing
    Bolus-Busting
    Carb-count carols ‘cross the land.

  • #11815

    Annette A
    Participant

    Deck the halls with dratted holly
    Thorns that really arent so jolly
    leaves that prick
    without test strips
    Isnt it just bloody folly?

  • #11816

    Cecile
    Participant

    @annette: It’s unfair, you’ve got an alliterative name & surname! :D

    From Queen Victoria’s ball,
    You’ll make an enormous haul
    Of pancreatic betas
    With which they can treat us
    To prevent our il&merickal fall.

    I know, I know, I don’t refer to anything in the text above, but as footnote I was extremely affronted by @teloz‘s unwelcoming words…I thought that for diabetes limericks, we might indicate that they weren’t amputees?

  • #11817

    Cecile
    Participant

    I’m off to make scones with lemonade & cream:
    It’s as “fast” as an Analog Insulin stream…
    But their stay in the oven
    Really is a dozen,
    Not like Ana’s thirty-supposed-to-be-fifteem.

  • #11818

    Cecile
    Participant

    A kamikaze kangaroo
    Was Lantussed & ‘Logged into the loo.
    Could a Medtronic model
    With neat, nifty noddle
    Our ‘opper obstetricize out of the poo?

  • #11819

    Cecile
    Participant

    Pachyderms who pump, get pierced with a porcpin:
    That queasy quilting-with-a-quill is quartan.
    The range* includes “Rhino”
    And slender, svelte “Spino“;
    If their tummies are tallowed, it might take a tall ‘un.

    *currently available are “Porcupine” (middling), “Rhino”(robust), “Spino”(lengthy), “Sugarbird”(ideal for hyperglycaemic fine artists) and “Kudu”(if you’re kinky)