Now I realise those of the younger or non-British persuasion may have read the title and thought “Oh no, not another poor fruit that’s fallen victim to the ravages of retinopathy as a result of pancreatic problems” so let me be clear. Blind Date was a classic/hideous TV dating show from the 1980’s where predators selected a potential victim/mate through the medium of bizarre and suggestive questions. What is baffling, given what we know about how hard it can be for the pancreatically challenged to find a mate, is that there was never a diabetes special. Until now…
Picture the scene, a 20 something busty blond, usually with the bottom of her skirt and the top of her shirt meeting at her belly button, sits behind a screen and prepares to grill three potential victims to establish their suitability as a mate. She is also diabetic. Probably due to having spent too much time with too much flesh exposed and her poor pancreas subsequently froze to death. But that bit is merely speculation.
Following an obviously successful night out, you roll over to find me sweating and talking gibberish in the early hours of the morning. What do you do?
Contestant number 1: Well, while you’re awake, we might as well have some fun.
Contestant number 2: Early hours of the morning? I’d be well gone by then!
Contestant number 3: I’d shake you awake, help you test your blood and sit with you while you downed juiced and rejoined the world of the living.
Because I’m obviously easy, we’re in bed again. This time you feel something vibrating beneath you. What do you do?
Contestant number 1: I’d think woohoo, she’s obviously more adventurous than I thought, and the batteries are fully charged too!
Contestant number 2: I’d think you must be a StarTrek fan with such high tech gadgetry in the bedroom and immediately nip home to find my anorak.
Contestant number 3: I’d grumble loudly and then shake you awake to grunt that your bloody CGM is going off again whilst also whinging about the fact that it always wakes me before it wakes you. But then I would check you’re not low before I go back to sleep.
We’re in Primark (no contestant on Blind Date would ever have been allowed through the door of John Lewis) and I start acting strangely. What do you do?
Contestant number 1: Shopping is for girls, I’d be at the football.
Contestant number 2: I’d leave you there and make a run for it, public humiliation isn’t my thing.
Contestant number 3: I’d gently point out that I think you might be hypo. We’d probably then have a bit of a debate which would end up with me saying “Well, whether you think you’re hypo or not, just eat these fruit pastilles”. I’d then try and get us out of the shop with as little embarrassment as possible.
I’m getting new diabetes tech. How do you respond?
Contestant number 1: Really, this diabetes thing is way beyond what I was looking for.
Contestant number 2: Unless it’s an Xbox I’m not interested.
Contestant number 3: I’d pretend to understand your huge excitement about the whole thing and support you by coming along to the training so that between us we can figure out how it works.
I’ve decided I no longer want to be diabetic. What do you do?
Contestant number 1: Bloody hell, this is getting serious, I’ll see you around.
Contestant number 2: I’d tell you to get a grip, there are plenty worse things to have, I’ve had tonsillitis for the last week and you’ve not heard me complaining.
Contestant number 3: I’d listen to your whinging and whining and get drunk with you while we both agree that it’s all crap. Then I’d carry on helping and supporting you like I always do.
If you haven’t guessed, I was never a mini skirted, busty blond, but I did marry number 3!