In the two or so years since my last article for your soaraway Shoot Up, I’ve noticed a growing trend for sensationalised, click-bait, Buzzfeed-style headlines, accompanied by vapid, ill-informed and inaccurate articles.
Never being one to miss out on the lowest common denominator, here’s your soaraway Shoot Up’s top five guaranteed cures for diabetes! Whoop whoop!
Rocks – diabetes free!
1. Be a rock
Whether a chiselled lump of granite or a slab of pre-Cambrian sandstone you’re certain to never find a single rock suffering from diabetes.
Lacking a pancreas or, indeed, any sort of endocrine system there’s no chance of being affected by type one or type two if you’re a rock.
So simply transmogrify yourself into your favourite type of stone for a completely diabetes free life!
2. Use natural remedies
Some swear that cinnamon is the best bona fide cure for type two; but the latest all-natural remedy being touted by Hollywood celebs is the Belladonna cure!
Only one dose of the famous deadly nightshade plant is needed to bring an end to all your diabetes-related problems and, indeed, any other health problems. You can always rely on Mother Nature!
Our insulin-free feathered friends!
3. Reincarnate as a hummingbird
Whether you believe in post-death rebirth or not, reincarnation as a hummingbird is the hot new cure currently being hyped by top diabetic sportsmen and women.
According to something we read off of the Interweb, hummingbirds are immune from diabetes apparently.
So simply subscribe to a Hindu-based belief system and hope you come back as one of our brightly-coloured, fluttery feathered-friends. Insta-cure!!
4. Invent and build a time-machine
According to the Daily Mail at least, a sure-fire cure is in the bag – in approximately ten years’ time.
All you need to do is invent a machine capable of bending the space-time continuum and shattering every part of Einstein’s theory of general relativity; then travel ten years’ into the future and a cure will be ready and waiting for you.
Probably in pill form made in some sort of weird silver machine with zappy lightning bolts coming out of the top, your pancreas will be back up and running in no time!
Big Pharma’s evil headquarters
5. Break into Big Pharma’s evil headquarters
It’s well known that Big Pharma has had a diabetes cure for years but has kept it from us so it can continue to sell us insulin, test strips and those weird stickers for your pump. Therefore just don your black one-piece Ninja gear and break into Big Pharma’s mountaintop headquarters.
Make your way past the burly, jack-booted guards and laser beams and hack into their mainframe to find the cure for diabetes ready and waiting for you in a Word document. Easy-peasy!
So there we have it – five top cures for diabetes! So what are you waiting for my pancreatically-challenged chums?