Correspondence with my pancreas

Alison’s pancreas, as sketched yesterday

A reasonably smooth period of diabetes control leads to a fiery exchange between Alison and her pancreas.

Dear Alison

I am not impressed. At the age of 4 I decided you were mature enough to take over responsibility for being your own pancreas, and I went into retirement having trusted you with the job.

I will admit, at an operational level your performance is acceptable. You have done the job adequately over the years. Results are within range and you don’t often endanger limbs or reputation by going hypo. However, when I gave you this role I expected you to dedicate yourself to it. Diabetes was to be your number one occupation, your raison d’etre, your first thought in the morning, your last thought at night and the majority of the thoughts in-between. This has not been the case lately. I cite several examples as evidence:

• You completely forgot the 29 year anniversary of my retirement. You should be ticking off every day you’ve managed to survive since my leaving, not brazenly getting on with your life, unaware of major milestones.
• You missed Diabetes Week. To be fair you were out of the country at the time, but even so, you should be clutching at every opportunity to share your misery with fellow pancreas impersonators.
• You went on holiday and aside from a few minor inconveniences with that plastic pancreas imposter of yours, barely thought about the important role you play as a pretend pancreas. This is a dangerous game lady, you’ll have the Pancreas Promotion Society on your back if you continue to make it look like you can do their job and live a happy life at the same time.
• And on a personal note, I don’t know how you expect to maintain the stream of tedious twaddle you spout on the blog if you’re just going to take it all in your stride.

Sort it out, I need to be top of the list.

Your Pancreas

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Dear My Pancreas

Your arrogant, self-centred attitude is only what I’d expect from someone that walked off the job without giving any notice or induction training. As you might have noticed, doing your job for you takes up a significant part of my brain power. I work hard at it, but you’ll never be number one. You’ll always be in second place, right behind having a life. Deal with it.

Alison

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Dear Working Pancreases

If you think you can do a better job than me, please do drop me an email. Applications for the role of working pancreas or diabetes manager are always welcome.

Lots of love

Alison