Received opinion says that good things come in small packages.
This is clearly not true, I can think of loads of things that come in small packages which are simultaneously small and completely rubbish.
Chief amongst these would be a certain ex-girlfriend of mine who was somewhat height-challenged. She was a small package but she most certainly was not good. Think of a ball of seething, dwarfish spite and misery. A hateful being who sapped the joy out of every situation whatever the circumstances. An absolute delight in other words.
Other small things that leap to mind are wasps (hateful little bastards), midges (a source of misery for me and my apparently oh-so-tasty flesh) and jockeys (nasty people who whip horses – the best of all the animals).
So it was with unmitigated surprise that I actually quite liked LifeScan’s teeny-weeny OneTouch UltraEasy blood glucose meter.
In terms of features, it doesn’t really do all that much. Essentially, it sucks your blood and spits out a blood glucose reading. It doesn’t come with the usual useless back-light, but it can give you average readings over a few weeks or so, which is quite handy when you want to be smug about how good your averages are.
The main feature, attribute and benefit for the LifeScan OneTouch UltraEasy (do they not believe in spaces between words?) is therefore its size. It’s very, very small and so can be easily concealed; much like the hidden handgun and swordstick you carry to guard yourself against ambush by rival cartels. So that’s handy.
Not being the leader of an international drug gang (mores the pity) I actually keep my UltraEasy in my cycling backpack, which I keep constantly ready with a meter and a stock of sweets and Lucozade, etc. Just in case I want to sit in the garage looking at my bike. In a deckchair. With a glass of wine.
The meter uses LifeScan’s standard test strips, which require a fairly small sample and suck up your precious life-gore very easily. The finger-pricking device is small, looks quite funky and is also nice and compact.
But it gets better – the UltraEasy comes in different colours! You might think I’m being sarcastic (for once) but this is actually quite a good feature. I test my blood glucose four, five or six times a day and, frankly, I get bored to tears looking at the same meter over and over again. That’s probably why I use so many meters – sheer, unadulterated boredom.
While you can get the UltraEasy in standard primary colours, I think there would be a huge market for clip-on fascias for all meters – just like you get for mobile phones. So sign me up for a Union Jack cover for mine! Oh yeah, baby!
So in summary:
Sample size > 3/5
Test time > 3/5
Test strip calibration > 2/5
Yes, it’s required with each batch
Test strip slurpiness > 4/5
Memory > 3/5
Sexiness > 4/5
Small and sleek
Beeping > 5/5
Yes, can be turned off
4am test > 2/5
Grand total: 26/40