An artist's impression of what Diabete-o-Tron could look like
As I go about my daily business organising internal jewel theft, people smuggling and instigating coups in the smaller African states, I often day-dream about diabetes. Like most readers of the soaraway Shoot Up my thoughts usually turn to what it would be like to build a giant diabetes killer death-robot that would unquestioningly do my bidding.
Just image it – its cold, metallic struts and pistons towering above you, dripping oil and hissing steam from its joints, the iron grip of its vicious pincers, the monotone robotic voice booming out its willingness to obey your every diabetes-related command.
I’m not entirely sure why the death-robot can only do diabetes-related stuff, but for the purposes of this article that’s the way it will be.
Anyway, you have to admit it would be great, no?
An ignorant comment about type one (or indeed type two) being caused by eating too many sweets? A simple command to Diabete-o-Tron and the perpetrator’s head would be neatly, but bloodily, snipped off. Full-fat coke served up instead of diet? Again, a whisper from you and a moment later the barman’s still-twitching body would be impaled on the nearest rusty railings. Fan-bloody-tastic!
When you start to think about it – and, blimey, have I been thinking about it – the possibilities are endless. An unsympathetic Doctor in his surgery telling you off for having too low an A1C? Revenge could quickly and efficiently be exacted by a discrete press of your remote control. Imagine the Doctor’s look of horror as the roof of the surgery is ripped off – tiles, dust and debris flying everywhere in a hellish cacophony of destruction?
As doctors are sometimes useful, you could choose to spare him a hideous fate but you can be certain he’s going to treat you with a touch more dignity at future appointments. Especially as he’ll be able to see Diabete-o-Tron looming in the car park outside, glowering menacingly through the window.
When one applies ones mind, there’s no diabetes-related problem that can’t be solved through mindless, bloody violence. Pump funding? Check. Withdrawal of vital DSN services? Check. The stupid policy at the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary where they now do eye screening on different days from the pump clinic? Big fat check.
So, dearest readers, given access to a merciless killer death-robot with no qualms or morals, what would you do? Answers below s’il vous plaît!
Rioters! “check”
Great article @tim – I’m off to build one now and create my hit list! 🙂
Hold on “telling you off for having too low an A1C?” – Has that conversation ever happened? I’ve had plenty of the opposite over the years but I dream of even getting close to being too low.
Can I add peoples on the end of phones who always say “but you’ll need to check with your doctor first before you do anything as” (and I might be paraphrasing here) “all diabetics are merely idiots without any intelligent thought.”?
Fantastic idea @tim, I’m not sure I would want a great big beast of a killer robot following me around waiting for my commands, I hope there would be a discreet remote control, just hope I wouldn’t mix it up with my pump remote or else a bolus could have wide reaching consequences!
1. Anyone who says ” aren’t you going to answer that”? when my pump alarm goes off in public. Whack, take that!
2. People paying with debit cards when I am in a queue going hypo waiting to buy some lucozade, Wallop, get out of the way!
@tim You are a very strange man with a very vivid imagination and too much time on your hands. Welcome to the club!
I would add to the list of potential victims the people who, when you tell them you’re going low, pretend to understand diabetes and comment: “So that means you need some insulin, doesn’t it?”
Put me down for one of these. Does it have a long warranty? I fear I may wear it out within a week.
And where’s @neobrainless when you need him? He’s got teh mad engineering skillz to build this…!
Can I order a transformers one- so I have a smaller one following me to deal with minor irritations, but should something big come up, it can call on all its mates to join together for ultimate revenge…
‘Can you eat that?’ Yes,watch me before you get bodily attacked by my robot…
Can I order one powered exclusively on granulated sugar? Then when the Costco checkout assistant says “All this sugar aren’t you diabetic?” I can cackle manically and click the remote…
I’d like one to attack two groups of people, the first being those who say “You can’t be diabetic – you’re not fat enough” and the second those who say “Oh, you must be diabetic because you ate too many sweets as a child”.