Diabetes the Musical: First Draft

By | 4 September, 2009

Following on from last week’s post about a diabetes-related musical, my chum Dave took it upon himself to sketch out a rough draft for a plot. Therefore for your enjoyment, fun and entertainment I present the first draft of:

Diabetes: The Musical
Or “A spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down”.

Act the First

Power-crazy, evil banker ditches lovely girlfriend Mindy for sharp-dressing power-mad tart Sadistica. [Song: “(I’m) No Sweetheart” – think Big Spender but evil, by evil banker.]

Evil banker then has ex-girlfriend sacked by devious means to get her away from and to assuage his guilt. He then gets his new girlfriend Mindy’s old job.

But what’s this? The dastardly fiend suddenly finds he needs to pee a lot and feels tired. He collapses. [Song: “Pancreatic Overdrive” – Sort of rocky, Pink Floyd paranoia number]

Act the Second

Power crazy banker is diagnosed with diabetes… He can’t believe it. He struggles to come to terms with what has happened to him [Song: Doctor explains in song – “That’s Diabetes”].

Ex-girlfriend, who can’t help but care, meanwhile, is down on her luck. Things start to go wrong – banker struggles to maintain his blood glucose while maintaining his evil lifestyle. To make matters worse, the evil Sadistica is plotting against him to try and take his job. [Song:”Insulin Dependent Blues”]

The evil Sadistica succeeds in taking his job. In a mad state of despair, banker goes completely of the rails and has a hypo late at night walking through a bus station [Song: a bit of Wagner here).

Act the Third

The lovely ex girlfriend Mindy is selling lucky heather in the bus station, and sees all. Having spent the last six months living in a hospice, she is familiar with the signs of diabetic collapse. [Song: “Mindy” – sung by chorus, a rewrite of “Wendy” by the Beach Boys, then a racy Who-type number by  Mindy “He wants Candy”]

Running to WH Smiths, she steals some Lucozade and forces it between his lips. Sitting by his bedside in hospital, she waits for him to come round. He pours out his woes and begs forgiveness. Eventually, she grants it, and helps him put his life on an even keel. [Song: “When I’m Comatose” to the tune of When I’m 64]

Act the Fourth

In a final moment of salvation, the reformed banker lays a trap for the power-mad ex-girlfriend Sadistica. She falls for it and is sacked and humiliated by the bank.

The banker is offered his job back, but explains that it’s no longer his world and that he has a new role to play now, helping children come to terms with diabetes and working pro bono to raise money for diabetic sufferers and defend them against medical companies and those who would wish to do them down. Lots of diabetics (some blind, some with missing feet) run/hobble/are led onto stage for the final number. [Song: “Life Sure is Sweet”]

Curtain down.

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About Tim

Diagnosed with Type One when he was 28, Tim founded Shoot Up in 2009. For the diabetes geeks, he wears a Medtronic 640G insulin pump filled with Humalog and uses Abbott's Libre flash glucose monitor.

28 thoughts on “Diabetes the Musical: First Draft

  1. Sam Clifford

    Please can I have front row tickets for the opening night? Instead of throwing roses I’ll be throwing fruit pastilles!

  2. Tim

    Sam Clifford :

    Please can I have front row tickets for the opening night?

    Of course you can Sam.

    Front row tickets will start from £150 + VAT but as a regular commentator on the blog you qualify for a 0.2% discount. Yay! Don’t say we never give you anything. 🙂

  3. Ckoei

    Sam Clifford :
    I’ll be throwing fruit pastilles!

    I’ll be throwing brown rice, in honour of lyricist “Tim Brown”, which is the abbreviation of “Tim Brown Rice” and the diabetically kosher counterpart of “Tim Rice”. What throwables would Dave appreciate?

    1. Alison

      If Sam is throwing fruit pastilles I’m going to have to resign my leading role, those things hurt when they hit you.

  4. Tim

    @Alison Don’t worry about that Alison, we’ll have 2 inches of bulletproof glass between us and the audience. You know what they’re like…

  5. Ckoei

    Alison :
    those things hurt when they hit you

    Speaking of which, how do you manage to chew “those things”, especially when hypoglycaemic? Are all Liverpudlians blessed with Staffordshire bullterrier cheek muscles? A chewsy lot you are!

    1. Alison

      @Ckoei: We Liverpudlians have jaws of steel! Actually I don’t have any problem chewing them unless they’ve been somewhere really cold, like left in the car overnight in winter. Then I start to fear for my teeth.

      @Tim: As long as the glass is fruit pastille-proof, I’m in.

  6. CALpumper aka Crystal

    Bravo! Bravo!

    Oh. Wait. Right.
    How awesome it would be to see this. When is opening night? Will it be broadcast on the interweb? How much?
    I won’t throw anything, promise.

  7. Tim

    @CALpumper aka Crystal It’ll be playing at the Edinburgh Festival, August 2011 in any venue that will allow the installation of 2inch bullet proof glass at the front of the stage.

    It won’t be broadcast on the Internet for free – you have to pay for tickets. I have starving bairns to feed.

  8. Mark

    Still, there’s something missing. Hobbits? Unicorns? Flying cows? Something that I just can’t grasp…

  9. Ckoei

    With all the plate glass going around, hopefully there are seats available in the rafters. Those milk bottles are tasty. . .they’ll leave me high. I promise to drop you some. Wear a helmet.

  10. CALpumper aka Crystal

    Oh my goodness. Looking like this needs a bit of tweaking. Mark is right tho, it Is missing something, hmmmm.
    Free for those with diabetes? Just sayin’.

    If I can find the money to travel cross the pond, Aug 2011, I will be there.

  11. Tim

    CALpumper aka Crystal :
    Free for those with diabetes? Just sayin’.

    No bloody way! The only people who would want to watch it would be diabetics (after all the only people who read blogs about diabetes are other diabetics…) We’d be bankrupt before the first week was up!

  12. Bennet

    You are all totally mad.

    That said I would like to point out that I am in fact employed by a bank and have been in the business for a number of firms for a few decades. Oh and my nom de plume on the internet was the Evil Emperor Zurg. So hold off on any casting calls I am perfect for the gig.

    …well other than the musical bit. I can’t play an iPod in key much less sing a lick.

  13. Tim

    @Bennet Auditions start next year, you’re booked for the lead role. I hope you can bring your own sparkly costume – budgets are tight.

  14. Lesley

    Brilliant! I think there’s room for a cameo by INPUT in the fourth act. I’m sure we can shoe-horn pumps in there somewhere!

    Does anyone know how to edit dvd clips for YouTube? I’ve been spending too much time watching Jason Bourne clips on it. I thought it would be fun if the entire trilogy was cut to 20 minutes by administration of glucagon. “Who are you? What is your name?” “(groan) I don’t know – oh God…” collapses. We see doc give glucagon IM, then cut to text on screen saying “20 minutes later” with voice-over from Bourne Ultimatum saying “I remember – I remember everything.”

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