The pump speaks back

By | 25 August, 2009

I’m Alison’s pump. She talks about me a lot so I’ve hi-jacked the blog to tell my side of the story. I don’t have long because we’re not apart often so I’ll get straight to it.

I’ve been with Alison for over 2 years now and overall I’d say we get on well. She’s a very enthusiastic owner, she makes me blush at times the way she raves about how fantastic I am. And so she should, I have integrated CGMS, I’m at the forefront of diabetes tech. Personally I don’t think she uses all of my capabilities – I’m sure she could spend more time downloading and analysing all the data I collect for her but apparently she has a life she wants to live.

Most of the time I get to sit in pride of place on her waistband, although don’t think I haven’t noticed that for parties that involve a posh frock I’m relegated to the bra, out of sight. That doesn’t do a lot for my ego.

This job has some good perks. She’s taken me white water rafting, sailing and on safari. I like it that she never leaves me behind although it was a little embarrassing when she spotted one of my friends in the middle of the Costa Rican jungle. Despite it’s owner speaking no English I had to endure the shame of her and Alison attempting to compare pumps via the medium of mime. I was willing my battery to run out so I didn’t have to witness the humiliating spectacle any longer.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Alison’s a good owner, but she can be a little hard to live with at times.

She has a tendency to shoot the messenger. I can’t predict how she’s going to react when I have to tell her that her blood sugar is too high, it’s like Russian roulette. If we’re in public I’m generally safe, she’ll acknowledge the high and put some more insulin in quickly and discretely. If we’re alone it’s a more hit and miss affair. Sometimes its fine, other times there’s furious muttering and occasional violence. Thankfully she’s only thrown me on the bed so far but she does talk about pitching me out of the window which I think is an unnecessary over-reaction. At times like this I fear for my safety.

There’s one thing though that hurts above all else. She thinks I don’t know, but I’ve seen her looking round at other pumps, seeing if there’s anything better on the market, eyeing up my replacement. I know I’ve got less than 2 years until I’m out of warranty and then what? I need to start planning for my future.

The things I know about Alison you wouldn’t believe. We’re rarely apart; I know everything about her, what I’ve told you so far is just a taster. If you want the more salubrious bits, please send money. I have to fund my retirement somehow.

10 thoughts on “The pump speaks back

    1. Alison

      Tim, I’m disappointed in your lack of loyalty.

      I’m in a quandry, having been betrayed by my own pump how can I reassert my authority when it’s my most effective method of life support? While my real pancreas may be a little challenged, at least it’s loyal!

  1. CALpumper

    Any device we need, rely on that states, “I don’t want to sound ungrateful….”
    means they Are.

    Alison’s pump: knock that off. She needs you. Be nice.

  2. Ckoei

    Dear rt de Monic

    Next time Alison insists on intimacy, say you have a splitting headache caused by 2 years of untapped creative juices and can be cured by attending art classes. I’m sure the resulting artworks (especially the one called Heat Map) can be sold as Op Art to feed your retirement fund.

    A pen-pushing Agony Aunt

  3. Tim

    I’ve just thought – this article reminds me of the “Jack’s raging bile duct”, etc. bit in Fight Club. Maybe Alison and The Pump are one and the same…!

    1. Alison

      Tim, I think that’s a preposterous suggestion
      …hold on…what’s that?
      Ah, the pump says you’re talking rubbish too.

  4. Terry Ozbourne

    Think yourself lucky Alison’s pump, I get zipped up in a little baggie with nothing but a couple of dull needles and a refill for me as company, then rattled about in a man-bag.

    What wouldn’t I give to be clipped to a waistband, and far from feeling demoted, I would feel ecstatic about being clipped to Alison’s bra. You just don’t know when you’re well off!

    Terry’s pen.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *