Avid readers of your soaraway Shoot Up will recall reading the first thrilling episode of Insulin Square, a real cliff-hanger of a soap opera where every character is diabetic (or are they?) Anyway, for your entertainment, here’s the utterly brilliant second episode. Episode three will probably follow in a year or two, if you’re unlucky.
EXT. DAY – OUTSIDE INSULIN SQUARE CAFÉ. A clearly upset DEREK rushes out from café, slamming door behind him, closely followed by STEVE and SUSAN
SUSAN Derek! Derek! Come back!
STEVE Leave him Susan, he’s not worth it.
SUSAN But Steve, he’s just bolused for the 17 teaspoons of sugar that he put in his tea
STEVE Yeah, so…
SUSAN But he didn’t drink his tea with all that sugar in it
STEVE You mean…?
SUSAN Yes, he could be at risk of having a hypo! He’s out there, heaven’s knows where, with 17 units on board and no Glucostop.
STEVE Oh my God, what have I done?
CUT TO INT.DAY The Banting Arms, Insulin Square’s local pub. Three young lads, GARY, JON and RAVI walk in and up to the bar. An oil painting of J.J.R. Macleod hangs in the background, the bar itself is decorated with bust of James Collip.
BARMAID Now, what can I get you gents?
JON It’s your round Ravi isn’t it? I’ll have a pint.
GARY Yeah, me too – pint of lager, mate.
RAVI (to barmaid) Yeah, can I have two pints of lager and a diet coke please?
JON Diet coke? You what?
GARY (laughs) Diet coke? You having a laugh mate? What’s wrong with lager?
RAVI I’m staying off the lagers for the minute
JON Off the lager? Can this be Ravi ‘ten pints of Tenants’ I see before me? What have you done with him, eh?
RAVI It’s just, well, it’s just that I’ve avoiding food and drink with a high carbohydrate content and / or a high glycaemic index.
JON You what?
RAVI It’s just that, I think I might have diabetes
JON (shocked) Diabetes?
RAVI Yeah mate. I went to the doctors this morning. I’d been going to the toilet a lot and drinking loads. He said that – this is really difficult to say – that I might be type one. There, I’ve said it.
JON Well I never, mate.
RAVI I just don’t know how I’m going to deal with it.
JON Don’t worry mate. It’s okay. I’ve never told this to anyone, but I’ve had type one since I was five!
RAVI You what?
JON See this (produces pump from under t-shirt) This is my brand new Animas insulin pump. Diabetes really is dead easy once you know how and I can help you work it all out.
RAVI You would help me?
JON (grins) ‘course, what are mates for, eh? (RAVI looks relieved, GARY interrupts)
GARY There’s something I need to tell you two.
JON & RAVI What’s that mate?
GARY I’ve got diabetes too.
JON No way. What type?
GARY Gestational diabetes.
JON (gasp) Gestational? But how?
GARY You’d better sit down, there’s something I need to tell you…
CUT TO EXT. DAY rough looking back alley. DEREK lies sweaty and panting in a pile of rubbish
DEREK: If I can’t have Susan, I may as well end it all. I’m going to do myself in on insulin! After that rage-bolusing earlier my BG’s down to 2.1, so it won’t take long. Goodbye cruel world! (Poises insulin-filled pen over stomach)
SUSAN (running into alley) No Derek, stop!!
DEREK Susan! But how did you find me?
SUSAN I knew I would find you here. You used to take me up this alley when we was teenagers, don’t you remember?
DEREK Of course I remember, I didn’t think you would though.
SUSAN I always remember those times we’d come here after school and you would, well, you know. Anyway, it was always a special place for me. (glances around) Here amongst the rubbish, broken bottles and rats.
DEREK What are you trying to say Susan?
SUSAN Derek, Derek, I love you!
DEREK But what about Steve?
SUSAN Forget Steve. He tries to show off with his fancy pump, but it’s you – with your multiple daily injections – that I really love. So simple. So down to earth. So needle-y.
DEREK Oh Susan, I love… (slips into unconsciousness)
SUSAN (screams) Derek!
STEVE (runs in alley, stops and appraises situation) Looks like you’ll be needing one of these (pulls unpleasant smile and holds up glucagon injection).
SUSAN Steve! Give me the glucagon injection, it’s the only thing that’ll save Derek! He’s fallen into a hypoglycaemic coma!
STEVE Now, what’s it worth? Tell you what, if you promise to go out with me and forget about Derek, I’ll give you the glucagon injection. Now how about it?
SUSAN Steve! You couldn’t!
CUT. EXIT THEME TUNE.