The great diabetes conspiracy

By | 3 May, 2011

I have a theory. I think we pancreatically challenged types are all taking part in a great conspiracy. I think diabetes is actually pretty easy to live with and we’re just pretending it’s a pain in a feeble attempt to gain attention and sympathy.

Following years of dedicated experimentation and meticulous observation I believe that I have this diabetes thing sussed. It’s simple. I need to make a few minor adjustments to my life and my control will be perfect. I just need to eradicate:

Variations in temperature
Any concept of having a life

Once those troublesome variables are eliminated and you spend all day, every day in the same climate controlled room, eating the same miniscule amounts of carbs and taking part in no activity lest it impact your control, the diabetes should be a dream. I shudder to think of all the money we’ve wasted searching for a cure, when the solution has been out there all along.

Of course, madness would probably not be far around the corner and quality of life may be somewhat compromised, but we all have to make sacrifices. While I remove my tongue from my cheek, are there any more miracle cures out there?

Category: Mildly amusing
Profile photo of Alison

About Alison

Diagnosed with Type One in 1983 at the age of four, Alison's been at this for a while now. She uses Humalog in a combined insulin pump and continuous glucose monitoring system and any blood glucose meter as long as it takes five seconds or less.

11 thoughts on “The great diabetes conspiracy

  1. Profile photo of TimTim

    Isn’t this what they did before the discovery of insulin? I think gentle embroidery from a chaise longe in a quiet room was the activity of choice before a lingering death pre-1922 😀

  2. Profile photo of AlisonAlison Post author

    Ah, but I’m not eradicating insulin, so this would be a lingering existance, rather than a lingering death. To be honest, I’m not sure which is preferable!

  3. Profile photo of lizzlizz

    I practice the lingering life approach, or have done for a long, long time, especially whilst pregnant! I did try working with my friend who happens to be a Dr, but spent all the time either going to the loo or unable to focus my eyes… so resigned myself to spending my time working from my controllable home!

    Oh, I would like a holiday. We went to France once, and spent 6 weeks in Canada for my OH’s work. Both times were very hard, and it causes trouble, because the continuous ups and downs associated with such a change make me irritable, paranoid, unadventurous, tired…

    It’s our 30th wedding anniversary in June and OH wants to go to Paris… but I don’t want to!

  4. Profile photo of Annette AAnnette A

    @tim – you’d be amazed at how stressful embroidery can be, you know…when you have a fistful of coloured threads, all of which are varying shades of blue, and you have to match sky blue and sea blue and azure and navy and mid blue and dark blue and on and on…
    You’d also have to eradicate proteins (cos large amounts cause BGs to go up). Cabbage soup, basically. I’m thinking, wouldn’t lack of exercise also cause BGs to rise? Due to gradual insulin resistance rising? So you’d have to have a very measured amount of gentle exercise each day. And no media of any kind, because the excitement of seeing a drama on TV or reading about life outside the bubble might be enough to raise stress/hormone levels. So sitting on a chair in the middle of the room with no outside influences at all should just about do it, maybe getting up and walking around the chair twice a day.

  5. Profile photo of MikeMike

    Love it Alison! Though you missed the vaguaries of liver output.

    Personally I’m currently experimenting with a technique of drinking heavily everyday so that it’s too busy chugging through alcohol to bother me with random massive (or non-existent) bouts of glucagon/glycogen release.

  6. Profile photo of AlisonAlison Post author

    @Annette By combining our plans I think we could make a fortune from this new approach to diabetes care.

    @Mike Brilliant idea, dealing with the liver through distraction, love it!

  7. Profile photo of Donald ThomsonDonald Thomson

    I’ve heard that decapitation cures absolutely every disease & ailment known to man . . .

    @Mike. Only problem with that approach is the cost, unless you can get whisky & beer on prescription now?

  8. Profile photo of Hairy GnomeHairy Gnome

    Absolutely brilliant @Alison, all the walls would have to be painted white though. However, as an alternative I have a very sharp modelling knife, and I know just where the veins are in my wrists, so maybe it would become more bearable… 😆 Only the constant display of twirling tassels could save me. 😆

  9. Profile photo of LesleyLesley

    Surely the cure for self-poisoning with ketoacidosis would be total removal of the circulatory system?

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