Setting out some ground rules

By | 13 May, 2011

When taking on a new project, it’s always good to set out some ground rules so everyone knows there they stand. I was rather remiss aged 4 when I took on the role of being my own pancreas without establishing such ground rules. This has got to change.

From now on body, please note the following rules by which we’re going to play going forward:

  • Insulin reduces blood sugar. Carbohydrate increases blood sugar. This rule should always be adhered to and the ratio between the two should remain the same. No messing around with needing more insulin at certain times of day. No getting in a muddle because the liver suddenly wakes up and decides to get involved. Play fair.
  • Exercise will reduce blood sugar at the time of, or shortly after said exercise. Let’s stop this silly habit of rising a bit and then having a crashing hypo several hours later. I’m not tolerating that kind of behaviour.
  • Hormones – you need to get a grip. Adjustments will be made to accommodate your wild variations in insulin requirements, but you need to be more predictable in your demands. Same goes for stress. Please submit a weekly schedule stating when you next plan to go off on one so plans can be made.
  • Hypos will be tolerated providing adequate warning is given and the brain allows the body to respond before complete humiliation or coma occurs. The whole talking rubbish in public whilst passionately denying the existence of said hypo thing is not appropriate.
  • Fruit pastilles will remain as the hypo treatment of choice, but also need to step up their game. No splitting of packs in pockets, leaving a collection of sugar dust in all clothing. No going tooth splittingly hard when you’ve been at the bottom of the bag for too many months and are suddenly needed. And stop jumping in with the washing.
  • Blood testing will continue, but the blood must learn to be tidier. Good blood keeps itself to itself, daytrips out to visit all items of white clothing I possess are unacceptable. And keep off the bedding.
  • Pump – you will remain provided you agree to get rid of this unhealthy and frankly unnatural doorhandle fetish. You will also stop jumping out at doorframes, it’s not nice and they don’t like it.
  • Brain – you are expected to show patience with the whole pancreas situation and providing these guidelines are adhered to I anticipate no need for childish outbursts from you. If however, you are faced with a Dr pretending to know more than they do about the pancreatically-challenged, a frustrated rant will be permitted.

Now body, if we can all play by these rules this diabetes thing should be perfectly simple. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

These rules will be reviewed regularly by the body owner so any additional suggestions are welcome.

14 thoughts on “Setting out some ground rules

  1. Tim

    Excellent! We just need this incorporated into some sort of charter that our beta cells can sign up to and we’ll all be sorted! Yay!

  2. Alison Post author

    Lawyer boy, start drawing up that contract and I’ll start thinking about how we teach already sick/missing beta cells how to hold a pen.

  3. Cecile

    I’d also address my overenthusiastic T-cells with: “A kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation”…you’ve already wiped out our pancreatic betas, gastric parietals and have started raiding our thyroid follicles – when it comes to bacteria and viruses, I’d shout “sic!”, but as far as our own bits go, please make love, not war?

  4. Mike

    Excellent! @alison @tim With your legal backgrounds I’m surprised you are have not initiated some sort of legal proceeding against ones own body or drawn up a charter to keeps it all in check.. 【ツ】

  5. katherine cromwell

    Not sure about the legal stuff but can we add another rule?

    When your control is super and everything running smoothly it must remain this way until after you have the blood test prior to seeing consultant.

    Can someone tell me “Why I forget to take my insulin” I do not know, I’ve been taking it for 30+ years and now this little blip will mean that my HbA1c and b/s average on the meter are buggered!

  6. Alice

    I’ve got another couple:

    Walking a certain distance at a certain speed will always have the same effect regardless of time and destination. If the “to work” walk can have no effect, surely the “from work” walk can be handled without the aid of half a packet of rolos.

    John Lewis will not constitute a black hole into which all glucose previously located in the bloodstream disappears. Should black hole effect be present all packets containing hypo treatments will open promptly and efficiently without spilling their contents all over the floor of the lighting department.

  7. lady up north

    At least if your black hole, like mine, is Tescos you can grab an improvised hypostop thingy from the shelves. And in my experience you often get provided with a baby sitter aka staff member till you are sorted (ie have stopped the embarrassing gibbering inanely in public thing) and don’t get charged for the “medicine”. (Packets of fudge from the sweetie aisle are strongly recommended).

  8. Tim

    @alice – John Lewis is a total blackspot for me too! I’ve had my worst hypos in JL’s. It’s like some sort of anti-diabetic retail Bermuda Triangle.

  9. Lesley

    What a reiief! I’m glad you are all suffering too. I thought I was alone in the shopping hypo thing 😉

  10. lady up north

    Has anyone else had the in-an-interview-for-a job-you-really-want hypo ? It guarantees you won’t be offered the position, and (possibly more importantly) probably mucks up the chances of anyone else who doesn’t have a functioning pancreas ever getting to work there either.

    So my apologies to anyone out there whose career I have fouled up.

    As far as the rules which started this discussion, sign me up too :))

  11. Dave

    @ladyupnorth Not an interview but I did once have an annual appraisal hypo. It led to a fairly truthful reply to the “and how do you rate my management?” question. Some severe grovelling afterwards but I’m not sure it helped my development after that.

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