When taking on a new project, it’s always good to set out some ground rules so everyone knows there they stand. I was rather remiss aged 4 when I took on the role of being my own pancreas without establishing such ground rules. This has got to change.
From now on body, please note the following rules by which we’re going to play going forward:
- Insulin reduces blood sugar. Carbohydrate increases blood sugar. This rule should always be adhered to and the ratio between the two should remain the same. No messing around with needing more insulin at certain times of day. No getting in a muddle because the liver suddenly wakes up and decides to get involved. Play fair.
- Exercise will reduce blood sugar at the time of, or shortly after said exercise. Let’s stop this silly habit of rising a bit and then having a crashing hypo several hours later. I’m not tolerating that kind of behaviour.
- Hormones – you need to get a grip. Adjustments will be made to accommodate your wild variations in insulin requirements, but you need to be more predictable in your demands. Same goes for stress. Please submit a weekly schedule stating when you next plan to go off on one so plans can be made.
- Hypos will be tolerated providing adequate warning is given and the brain allows the body to respond before complete humiliation or coma occurs. The whole talking rubbish in public whilst passionately denying the existence of said hypo thing is not appropriate.
- Fruit pastilles will remain as the hypo treatment of choice, but also need to step up their game. No splitting of packs in pockets, leaving a collection of sugar dust in all clothing. No going tooth splittingly hard when you’ve been at the bottom of the bag for too many months and are suddenly needed. And stop jumping in with the washing.
- Blood testing will continue, but the blood must learn to be tidier. Good blood keeps itself to itself, daytrips out to visit all items of white clothing I possess are unacceptable. And keep off the bedding.
- Pump – you will remain provided you agree to get rid of this unhealthy and frankly unnatural doorhandle fetish. You will also stop jumping out at doorframes, it’s not nice and they don’t like it.
- Brain – you are expected to show patience with the whole pancreas situation and providing these guidelines are adhered to I anticipate no need for childish outbursts from you. If however, you are faced with a Dr pretending to know more than they do about the pancreatically-challenged, a frustrated rant will be permitted.
Now body, if we can all play by these rules this diabetes thing should be perfectly simple. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
These rules will be reviewed regularly by the body owner so any additional suggestions are welcome.